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Sunday, September 27, 2015

Move On (Part 1)

By: jurisgrant

Sabi nila moving on doesn’t mean you need to understand everything, because sometimes it is not meant to be understood but to be accepted. And moving on is never an easy way.
Year 2010, nang makikilala ko c Ryan sa isang dating app simula noon araw-araw na kaming nagcha-chat. Ryan was a typical guy, discreet, gwapo at higit sa lahat charming but ryan and i didnt talked about our present situations. We just chatted about our days and work pero ni isa doon walang personal matters. Until one day, when he asked me to come over to his place, medyo malayo din ang lugar nila mga 3 hours ang byahe, at first i was hesistant pero sabi ng mga friends ko wala naman daw mawawala kung susubukan ko and so i did. Di naman ako bago sa meet ups, i do have a lot of it mostly trip lang, for sex, im an adventurous man mahilig ako sa experimentation kaya na rin cguro di ako pumasa sa board exam ko kasi naubos ang oras ko kakameet ng mga guys.

But, ryan was a different case, i dont believe in love at first sight pero i felt it for him. I knew i wasnt just physically attracted, alam ko its more than that. He met me up sa bus station he was in the car waiting for me, nong bumaba sya i knew then it was him and i was instantly fell in his charms. After that, we went to his pad, maliit lang pero cozy, he brought me food para daw ni na kami matagalan pa cause i have work kinabukasan. After a little chit-chat we had an amazing sex, honestly it was my very first time sa maraming bagay sa sex. Longest sex, foreplay, romance and my first penetration. I would say versa ako pero never ko na try ma fuck and yon ang una. At ang condom na halos isang taon kung iniingatan sa wallet ko (bigay sa akin ng friend ko pampa-swerte daw) ginamit ko. And damn iba pala talaga pag gusto mo yong tao, the pain subsided easily and turned into pleasure, pleasure turned to love for me.

I knew in myself, di sya katulad ng iba. Feeling ko that time mahala ko n sya. Ng gabing yon di ako nakatulog ng maayos, i was thinking of him and how lucky i was, finally i made a right decision sa buhay ko kasi that time i felt misguided, money, family and work problems. Na sabi ko sa sarili ko i did the right thing for the first time in my life to follow my instinct. After few hours hinatid nya na ako sa bus station and heading back was like in a dream.
I quickly told my friends about it, how wonderful and beautiful that night was. Sabi ko pa nga the best day of my life. Days past we still communicated telling me to behave and stop looking na daw, kinilig ako ng sobra, it was overjoyed, i felt inspired to work kasi doon lang ako may wifi, kaya naman na delete ko lahat ng account ko sa mga gay apps from PR(not sure kung planetromeo na ba sya that time) and manjam.  I was true with my promise to him and believing he'll do the same.
 Pero makalipas ang maraming araw things changed, nan-lamig na lang siya bigla at hanggang sa naging madalang na ang pag tetxt nya sa akin. Pag nag text ako ng kumusta he’ll reply OK.
I was getting confused and worried kaya nag simula na akong mag stalk sa fb. Lahat ng maglalalike or magcocomment i looked to their profiles. Iniisa-isa ko sa lahat ng pwedeng maging dahilan and one guy caught my attention kasi lahat ng pics nya sa page si ryan ang naka lagay. Di ko na siguro kinaya kaya isang araw ng leave ako ng 3 days, 1 day I spent stalking him in fb at ng di pa ako nakuntento so I went to his place, naging stalker ako for 2 days. Inalam ko kung saan office nya and any possible area na pwede ko sya matanaw na di nya ako makikita. i was there looking at him in the distance. Para na akong sira ulo sa kaka-isip sa kanya, naghihintay at umaasa. I ate my lunch sa area, had my snacks on the same spot and uwi sa lodge after 5pm, i was trying to text him pero matipid pa rin and reply and so i went back to stalking sa fb pero on the 3rd day i planned to talk to him and tell him how i really feel, madami akong gusto sabihin at gawin, i was so excited, pero that day was a huge disappointment. 6pm nang lumabas sya sa office, wala ng mga tao that time, i brought chocolates and dinner meal for him kahit wala na akong money, lalapit na sana ako nang bigla may humintong motor bike sakay ang isang lalaking familiar sa akin. Di sana ako magseselos when suddenly he kissed the guy's face sabay lingon kung baka may nakakita, they were laughing at sumakay na sya. Noong oras na yon i felt my heart break into pieces and tears fell in my eyes di ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakatayo at kung papaano ako naka uwi sa amin. That was the guy whom i always saw in his fb na sabi nya kaibigan lang daw nya at ako naman si gago naniwala na kahit lahat ng pictures noong guy sa fb page nya mukha ni ryan. Simula noon i kept on stalking them sa fb, i tried to text him pero di sya nag reply kung magrereply masyadong matipid, i tried to mend my heart through qoutes and songs, asking friends advices telling me to stop in my foolishness at mag move on, di na rin ako nag paramdam sa kanya pero everyday i prayed na sana kausapin nya ako, i stalked them sa fb, kahit na halos madurog na ang puso ko sige parin ako, hanggang mag-away na kami ng friends ko.i told them their shits for asking me to forget him na hindi ko naman kaya. Kahit ganun paman, i follow their suggestions to finally unfriend him and deleted my account sa fb and created new one. Pero yong kahit anong gawin mo, mag palit ka man nang sim number or gumawa kaman ng bagong account still things doesnt changed what u feel and still wished he'll talked to u. At yon nga i wished, hoped and prayed for a year cguro pero wala talaga, i even went to gym para magpaganda ng katawan baka sakaling magustuhan nya uli ako, halos every chance na makapunta sa kanilang lugar di ko pinalalagpas sabay post sa fb ng locations baka sakaling makita nya. Di ko man sya n add uli pero halos lahat ng male friends nya na add ko na yata hoping makita nya ako sa fb and chat me again. Pero ni isa noon wala, i have petty meet ups trying to look for some1 or ibaling ang feelings ko pero ni isa walang nagtagumpay. My bestfriend was refusing to contact me and some of my friends told me nag-iba na ako.

Naka apekto sa akin ang mga nangyari, i was a funny man, friendly and ayaw kung mag-isa kahit kumain man lang sa fastfood pero things have changed for me sabi ng mga friends ko. Kaya one day when things becoming more and more difficult i decided to resign and maghanap ng work na malayo sa kanya. A place na pwede akong mag move on. That time i already passed the board at nakahanap ako ng work sa davao. Sabi ko noon it was the best thing to do para maka move on and finally return to my old me. Pero, di nangyari yon for 2 years i was stock in my new me, bored, aloof, silent, focused, serious and as if happiness doesn’t exist in me. Ni minsan sa 2 years ko di pa ako naka gimik, o maglibot sa mga malls or mag tampisaw sa beach, my life revolves with work, gym and helping my family. Sa araw-araw n ginawa ni Lord yon lang ang naging buhay ko sa davao. My workmates didn’t like me kasi snub daw ako, kung may magbibigay motibo umaayaw ka agad ako. No friends, no life. Siguro i was meant to be like this forever, bitter sa maraming bagay. That time na accept ko na it will take me years para maka get over sa kanya.

Until isang araw nagbago ang lahat. Exactly May 8, 2014 It was my first time na sumama sa company convention namin, napasama lang ako kasi my ceremony sa mga newly promoted at sabi ng partners sa memo no ceremonies no promotion. I was so hesitant that time kasi sayang ang plane fare kasi kahit lahat naman ay free pero yong ticket di kasali. So funny na nanghinayang ako sa 1500 na back and forth na nakuha ng staff from promo fare kulang na lang e libre nila ako para sumama. Pagdating ko doon i went to my room, shower at tulog agad since gabi pa naman ang start. Pero sa kwento kung ito may di ako nasasabi, a year ago sa instagram, isang lalaki ang na attract ako by the physical looks, di naman kagwapohan, average guy kumbaga pero gym fit,marami namang mas gwapo sa insta pero i dont why, di ko rin alam kung taga saan sya pero lahat ng pics nya may copy ako, i cropped it and saved in my photos at sa loob ng isang taon maraming beses ko ng ginamit na wallpaper ang pics nya. Funny but i felt joyed pagnakikita ko pics nya pero never kung inalam kung taga ano full name or his where abouts. 7pm when i went down sa convention area, sa dami ng tao from different branches e di na ako nagulat na halos punoan na ang tables pero since promoted e may separate tables na kami. Ilang oras pa at nagsimula ang ceremony and i was introduced for the promotion na feeling ko staff ko lang ang natuwa either kasi finally di na ako ang in-charge nila or happy lang sila for me. After dinner i went out sa hotel and decided to take a walk sa malapit na bench where some others i believe mga taga company then, taking pics , groupie, selfie at ano2x pa. Di ko na sila pinansin at kinuha ko ang phone ko, i was checking my downloads na tv series at noong matapos na my phone said Optimization daw ng storage, i just realized na madami na pala akong na save at matagal ng wala na dedelete. I started to delete videos and followed by albums and lastly browsing pics na pwedeng e delete. I was browsing the pics when some1 from my back told me, Bakit ka may pictures ka?

I was shocked kaya lumingon ako sa likod, the guy was tall nasa 5'9 to 5'10, (im only 5'7 and feeling ko matangkad na ako) moreno, ordinaryong gwapo,pinoy ang dating at malinis ang mukha. Mabilis akong nakabawi sa shocked ko and asked him, ANO?

The guy repeated his words and told me it was him in the picture, our area was well lighted kaya kita ko ang mukha nya and i just realized na it was him in the picture, the very same. When i turned my photos off and went to the homepage, he saw his picture as my wallpaper, nakalimutan kong i changed my wallpaper to his face yong naka trunks sya na blue while looking sa lagoon though not clear kasi nakatago sa likod ng apps pero he noticed it and said at Ginawa mo pang wallpaper. his face was blank, emotionless, di ko alam kung galit sya or masaya.........

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