By: Diego Coquangco
Hi! Ako si Phil, 24. I work as a Virtual Reality Game Developer. I am 5'8" tall, slim, muscular, with an almost symmetrical face. I have a Chinese heritage that shows in my features and body type.
Alam ko na hindi ako straight noong high school pa but didn't tell my parents or friends. Since then, I have been secretly admiring men especially Tristan. He's my classmate at siya ay a year older than me at nagtatrabaho ngayon as a Cabin Crew in one of the oldest commercial airline in Asia. He has that gwapo face that will make you stop. His eyes were a mesmerizing deep brown. His face was strong and define. His perfect lips ripe for the kissing. His body was toned. His voice was deep, with a serious tone.
I came out to him on my 20th birthday not as a way to have a relationship with him but to release the secret I've been keeping inside for a long time.
"Phil, thanks for admiring me pero I'm not gay. I cannot offer you the same feeling as you do." he said.
"I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend." I clarified. "I just want you to know how I feel towards you." He was just staring at me. Assessing if it's a joke or not.
"If you're not comfortable being around me anymore, I'm okay with it. I just want you to know. That's it." I justified.
"Alright, Phil. Don't worry nothing will change. I will still be your friend."
But eventually he changed, everything changed. Hindi na sya ganun kadalas makipagkita samin ng barkada. I realized he was avoiding me. He always had excuses or he asked first on who will be present on leisure activities before he'll confirm whether to go or not.
He continued avoiding me for years but I still stalked him on Facebook and Instagram. Guamawa ako ng fake account just to check on what he's up to. Until one day, he changed his status to In A Relationship. That reality slapped me the hardest. Then, I stopped stalking him and focused on my internship.
A year after our university graduation, a high school reunion was organized. I was hoping he would come. I was anticipating seeing him again. To my excitement, I checked on his social media accounts and saw lots of pictures of him... and his girlfriend. Damn.
Even worse, dinala nya at ipinakilala sa barkada ang girlfriend nya on our reunion. I tried ignoring them pero parang my kung anong pwersa na humihila sa mata ko na tingnan sila. And I saw them kissing. My heart was crushed, pounded multiple times. Right there and then, nagpaalam na ako na umalis. As I was walking out of the restaurant, I heard him calling my name.
"Phil. Phil, wait."
"What?" pasigaw kong tanong.
"Woooh. Chill. Are you mad?" Masyado yatang napalakas pagkakasigaw ko.
"No. Why would I be mad?" I said in a sarcastic tone.
"I don't know. Anyway, I want to ask you a favor." Inakbayan nya ko. He smells very manly and looks so good. He's like a magnet attracting me closer to hug him. This is the first time he's talking to me after a long time. Then, the picture of him and his girlfriend kissing flashed through my mind.
"Just text me. I need to go." I pushed him aside. Gusto ko syang iwasan. Gusto ko nang umalis.
"Alright then. Ingat." I wished he didn't agree. I wished he asked me to stay.
I stayed in the parking lot for ten minutes. I want to go back inside the restaurant. I want to talk to him. I miss talking to him. But that won't change the reality that we're not meant to be, he's not interested in me and he has a girlfriend.
When I got home, I kept on checking my phone assuming he would text me. Days passed by, I still didn't get any message from me.
Months passed and I got pretty occupied by work. I could barely sleep for a week dahil sa game scripts and storyboards na ginagawa ko. Sa gitna ng ginagawa, I received a text message from him.
"Phil." Nagulat ako and deep inside gusto kong tumalon sa tuwa. I also thought of the favor he wanted to ask me months before. That might be the reason why he's texting me.
"Yep." I replied.
"Where are you?" He's usually the aggressive type. It shows even in his messages.
"Home." I want him to assume that I'm not interested by replying in one word.
"Am I disturbing you?
"Why?" I asked while going through the pages of my game scripts.
"I need to talk to you." Talk to me? About what? Maybe about the favor.
"I'm parked outside your house." Sinilip ko sa bintana kung may kotse ngang naka park. His Land Rover was indeed parked outside our house. Then, I panicked. I didn't know what to do next.
"Wait." I texted back.
I checked myself in the room. I was a mess. I took a quick shower.
While I was looking for a shirt to wear, I heard a knock on my bedroom's door.
When I opened the door, I saw Tristan. He was standing there looking miserable.
"Your dad opened the gate and asked me to come in." My mouth was still shut. I didn't know what to say.
"Am I disturbing you? Can we talk?" I just gave him a nod. He went in my room and asked if he could use the bathroom.
I went to my work desk and fixed the scripts and storyboards. A few minutes later, he came out of the bathroom, sat in my bed and put his hands on his face.
"My problema kaba?" I asked.
"I caught Amber cheating on me." I said it with disbelief on his face.
"She told me she's going to Boracay with friends this weekend. I was already suspicious of her and his colleague, Mark." He looked at me waiting for a reply and but I was only listening.
"She has been too distant these past weeks. Maybe due to my schedule. We rarely see each other since I was posted to international flights." I could sense that he feels guilty, too.
"I followed her to Boracay. I wanted to surprise her. But I was the one who got surprised." He wasn't able to finish. He put his hands on his face and sobbed.
Lumapit ako sa kanya to hug him, comfort him. Para siyang bata na inagawan ng candy kung umiyak. Amber was his first serious relationship. He devoted so much effort in winning her.
"Do you want some beer?" I asked.
"No. I just want some rest. I'm tired." He said while wiping his tears.
"Okay, I'll drive you home." I suggested.
"Can I stay here tonight?" He asked.
"Okay. You can use the guest room. Wait here, I'll check." I stood and about to head the door.
"No, need." He held my hand. "I don't want to be alone. I need someone to talk to." Does he mean he wants to sleep with me? I mean, sleep in my room.
"Are you sure you're okay to sleep here?" I was curious. None of my friends has slept in my room. I didn't like cleaning after their mess. When we were young, we usually just hang out in the living room or if they need to sleep over, I let them use the guest room or the couch.
He just nodded and climbed to bed.
I went back to my work desk and checked my email.
It was 12 midnight, when I decided to go to bed. Tristan was fast asleep and occupying most of the bed. Nalibugan ako sa nakita ko. Tristan, the man I've been admiring for years is in my bed sleeping shirtless. I just laughed at the thought of having an encounter with them. I climbed to bed, moved his muscular leg so I can have enough space for me.
The next morning, naalimpungatan ako. As soon as I opened my eyes, I realized I was hugging Tristan's back. I must have mistaken him for a pillow or I just missed him. I checked on him and thankfully he's still asleep. I looked at him again and smiled. Hindi ako makapaniwala na andito sya sa tabi ko. Then, he moved facing me still asleep. His face an inch from mine and I could smell his breathe. I closed my eyes and got carried away by how manly that breathe was. Hindi ko na mapigilan sarili ko. Nawalan na ko ng control. I leaned towards him and pressed my lips to his. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam. I pulled back, checked if he's still asleep. Then, gently kissed his nose. Nadadarang na ako. I kissed his lips again. To my surprise I felt he placed his hand around me and kissed me back, he parted his lips and offered his tongue. I did the same and we kissed passionately. I enjoyed it. Then he pulled back. I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me. I didn't know what to tell him. Should I say sorry? Is he angry? I was about to get up when he laid atop of me, pressed his muscular chest against mine. I pushed him hard and went straight to the bathroom. That was the most embarrassing encounter I’ve had.
When I went out of the bathroom, he was gone. I checked my phone and saw his message.
"Thanks." I wonder what that was for. Maybe for letting him spend the night here.
A month later, we saw each other in a café near the airport. He just smiled and nodded. He was with colleagues. He looked okay despite being brokenhearted. He looks more handsome on his uniform.
Being in a relationship with him was a miracle. But miracles do happen as one random night, he texted me…
“This may sound weird but I want to know you more. Not as a friend. More than that. Let’s give this a try if you’re still okay with it.”
We secretly dated for two weeks. I insisted to make it official thereafter. We shared intimate moments in his apartment. He liked being woken up with a blowjob. But no anal sex involved. He wanted to do it on our anniversary. An anniversary that did not happen. Three months of being officially in a relationship, he made the most selfish decision known to mankind.
"Let's talk," I received this text message from him on a bright sunny day. The day he decided to leave me. If only I knew he would leave me, I would have prepared myself. But I wasn't able to. I didn't see it coming… so soon.
"Where are you?" I replied. I was excited. I was thinking that he wants us to plan a trip.
"In my car. Parked outside your house." He answered.
"Wait a sec." I was wondering why he's here. I thought he has preflight briefing.
I hurriedly walked to the door and opened the gate. He lowered his car's window and signaled me to go inside.
I kissed him as soon as I settled in. He kissed back then pulled.
"What's the matter?" I asked while caressing his cheeks.
"I want to tell you something." His gestures were reassuring but I could see in his eyes that what he was about to tell me was important. Something that could make or break us.
"Yeah." I answered.
"I don't know how to start." He grunted and paused.
"What is it?" I insisted.
"I love you... as a brother. I really like you... as a friend." When he said those I was stunned.
"But... I can't take this relationship anymore." He continued. It’s like he dropped a nuclear bomb in front of me.
"So, what do you mean?" I was annoyed. Why now? Napakaraming ideas na naglalaro sa isipan ko. But I stayed calm despite of what I heard.
"I don't think I'm really into this. I've been questioning myself about us and what my motives really are. I don't see any future with you." He stared at me looking for clues of despair.
"We'll make it work." I assured him. I still want him. I will stay even though it’s a one-sided love as long as I’m with him.
"I don't think so." I didn't like his answer. He has already decided and didn't want to consider any other options.
"Okay." I said bluntly.
"Okay?" He was not expecting that answer.
"Yeah." I felt like my heart froze. Yung feeling na wala na, suko na siya. Wala nang patutunguhan ‘to.
"Anything else to say?" I asked. I was hoping he would tell me that it was just a prank.
"I love you!" Then leaned towards me and kissed. I savored that last kiss. Then, I thought what the heck. You're leaving me. Why are kissing me? I pushed him, jumped out of his car and rushed into the house.