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Monday, February 13, 2017

Darwin's Theory (Part 4)

By: Julius

It was a very pleasant day Marc and I had at the park, or Quezon City Circle. He kissed me again, and for the second time I hesitate to kiss him back. I went to bed thinking if there’s a bit of a chance I might fall in love with any of the guys trying to pursue me. It was another night and I made it to work pretty much fine. Lahat excited for the final week dahil sa paparating na transition from training to operations. Mostly, sa darating na out of town group activity na gaganapin weekend before the final week ng class. Skip na natin yung bisperas ng final week, we've been busy, it was great but what really took time that week was the scheduling of our group activity. Sila Berna ang in charged for group activity venue and events. We went to Puerto Galera. I remember nun payat pa ako kaya rush guard ang binaon ko. Sa biyahe pa lang ay kami na ni Marc ang magkatabi. Sometimes when I feel like sleeping he offers his shoulders which I refuse kase sanay naman ako matulog ng straight lang. Hindi naman ako tulog mantika. Later that day nakita ko na lang na may picture pala ako nang tulog. Anyway, naging masaya ang biyahe, except for Darwin. Gusto niya akong tabihan. Minsan naririnig ko si Berna na inaasar siya dahil kami ni Marc ang magkatabi. Minsan pa nga ay umaakmang aakbay si Marc but he hesitates kase tinitingnan ko siya ng masama. Lahat nakasama maliban sa tatlong classmates namin na may pamilya na. Nang nakarating na kami sa Batangas Port ay dumerecho na kami ng barko and then Darwin switched his ticket with Mel para makatabi ako. Nasa barko na kami at tinabihan na ako ni Darwin
Darwin: hi
Ako: hello.
Darwin: kamusta?
Ako: happy.
Darwin: (napakunot ang noo)
Ako: why?
Darwin: why?
Ako: well, I'm just happy.
Darwin: don't tell me it's because of him.
Ako: what if it is?
Darwin: I'll tell him. (he stood up and I pulled him down)
Ako: no! I'm just kidding.
Darwin: pinapagselos mo ko eh.
Ako: no I don't
Darwin: eh.
Ako: bahala ka jan.l

I stood up and went outside to check out the view. The sea was beautiful. The breeze is refreshing. Bigla na lang sumulpot yung dalawa, si Marc at Darwin. Pati sila Evangeline at Berna. Tuwang tuwa yung dalawa na tuksuhin kami.

Marc: ganda dito no?
Darwin: maganda nga eh no?
They're both staring at me.
Ako: yeah.... You two should make up your mind. I'm getting tired of this. I never had a single moment alone since I open myself up. Would you mind?
Darwin: sorry (pumasok na siya sa loob)
Marc: hey, what's wrong?
Ako: it's just that I'm tired and sick of this. I want to be alone sometimes but I can't. It's as if I can't be alone anymore. Ayoko ng ganito na umiikot ang mundo ko sa inyo. Give me a break sometimes. I need to think.

Marc: ok.
Marc went inside. I simmered myself in the moment. It was refreshing. Natanaw ko na yung island after some time. When we reached the island we settled down on our accomodation and ate. We played beach volleyball, we watched fire dancers, we enjoyed Puerto Galera for 2 nights and 2 days. Unang araw namin ay marami na kaming activities na ginawa. Nag-enjoy ako ng husto sa paglalaro ng volleyball dahil sa sanay ako maglaro nito at ang ka-team ko pa ay dilang dalawa na kagagawan ng lahat ng nag-organize ng event. Hindi kami namalo dahil hindi masyadong coordinated ang galaw namin pero ok lang. May mga activity na kami ang nanalo gaya ng tug of war, thanks to Marc for his strong arms at ng obstacle course because of our stamina and agility. Nag swimming din kami sa beach. Marc wore nothing but trunks. Pinakita talaga niya yung maganda niyang katawan. We enjoyed swimming, cliff diving dun sa part ng beach na may rock formation sa dulong part. Also, since maganda sa part na yun ay dun kami nagstay, Darwin and I had a pretty short conversation about how wonderful the place is and how he wants to come back. At the end of the day, inuman at kantahan ang nangyari. Good thing it was a private place that we rented for the weekend, five minutes drive away from the beach. Kami ni Marc ang share sa lower deck ng camp room which has 4 double decker beds. Ang iba ay sa sala natulog at sa may ibang kwarto. Dahil lasing ang iba at may tama ang karamihan ay may mga kababalaghang nangyari sa paligid. Ako naman ay may kontrol pa din at antok na antok. Si Marc ang katabi ko at medyo alam kong safe naman ako dahil kilala ko si Marc na hindi mapilit. Nang makahiga na si Marc sa lower deck ay nakatulog na agad siya. Ako naman ay sumandali pa sa kusina upang uminom ng tubig at maghilamos ng mukha at magsipilyo. Pagbalik ko sa kwarto ay nahiga na ako sa tabi Marc at nakishare ng kumot. Halos mapaso ako sa init ng katawan ni Marc nung nagdikit kami kaya medyo umusog ako palayo. Marc slightly woke up and asked me where I went.
Ako: I brushed my teeth.
Marc: ang bango naman.
Ako: matulog ka na.
Marc: pa embrace ah.
Marc embraced me and his leg went to cover mine which felt goid and warm. I was really nervous that time kase though hindi mapilit si Marc ay lasing siya nun. He buried his face on my shoulder and neck. Nararamdaman ko yung init ng hininga niya and it felt warm. Natakot ako nun dahil hindi ko alam kung gaano ka-confusing yung nararamdaman ko. Nakatulog ako ng mga tatlong oras at naalimpungatan ako na wala si Marc sa tabi ko. I decided to stand up and search for him but just as when I am about to do so, I noticed someone's silhouette outside the window, smoking. That's when I knew Marc went outside. I went outside as well and talked to him.
Ako: good morning
Marc: good morning
Ako: bakit gising ka na?
Marc: wala lang, yosi?
Ako: sure.
Marc gave one stick and I lit it with his cigar and we smoked together. He grabbed my hand with his.
Marc: you had every chance to reject me when I asked you if it is okay if I embrace you.
Ako: what's the matter?
Marc: why did you let me?
Ako: i guess, there's a part of me that wants to understand how it feels to be protected. I felt covered when you did that. I never knew how that feels before. I know now.
Marc: why?
Ako: why?
Marc: why did you let me?
Ako: I already told you.
Marc: I want to hear a different answer.
Ako: because you're drunk? And it doesn't count if I reject a drunk person cause you will do it no matter what I tell you.
Marc: hmmm.. Good reason.
Ako: what's bothering you?
Marc: It's just.. When i woke up next to you, I realized I want to wake up next to you every time. Every day. May it be morning or night. And I don't want to just hug you, I want to kiss you, I want every part of you. I could've taken advantage kissing you when you were asleep but I did not... Just so you know.
Ako: I am grateful that you respect me as much as I do to you.
Marc: now that you've woken up, I just can't resist to ask you if I can kiss you. You can say no.
Ako: I don't know.
Marc quickly grabbed my waist and put his other hand in my jaw and kissed me, sucking the air out of my lungs with just one kiss that stayed for a couple of seconds. He pulled himself away and breathed as if he missed the air.
Marc: I'm sorry, when you said you don't know I just can't resist it anymore. I know when you said you don't know, there's a part of you that hesitates. But there's a part of you as well that maybe wants the idea of me kissing you.
I stayed quiet for about 5 minutes..
Marc: what do you say?
Ako: I don't know.
Marc: should I kiss you again?
Ako: no, that's enough. I... Am... Not.. Sure.. What to say.
Marc: I want to kiss you again. Kiss me back for once and you'll know the answer.
Marc slowly reached my jaw and looked at my eyes. He closed his as he approches and opened his eyes again and kissed me. It took me 10 seconds and I closed my eyes and gathered all the courage I can get and finally, I kissed him back. For a couple of seconds. And we both pulled ourselves apart. We're both gasping for air. Marc's eyes were lit by happiness. He said he can't explain it but he's very happy. After we finished our cigar, we went back inside and went to our bed.
Marc: you have the bed all for yourself.
Ako: what do you mean?
Marc: sa sahig na lang ako matutulog. I can't sleep with you tonight. You kissed me back. I'm not sure if kaya kong kontrolin pa yung sarili ko to ask you for more. You get a good rest and we'll spend the day later ok?
Ako: ok. Thanks.
Marc: you're welcome.
Marc stole a kiss before settling down on the cushion on the floor.
We woke up 9 in the morning and went to the beach. May araw na nun pero malamig pa yung hangin. Ang sarap pakinggan nung dagat. Dala ko nun yung book ko na Narnia, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by CS Lewis, nagbabasa ako while lying on the sand. Tinabihan ako ni Marc and we talked about things and Narnia and some other stuff. Darwin is busy playing with the waves along with our classmates. That's when I realize that I barely spent any moment with Darwin. I feel bad about it. I thought I was being unfair. Until lunch came and Darwin settled down next to me. He took some photos of us I told him never to share to any social media. We had a conversation which includes him being jealous of me and Marc sharing the same bed and him ended up with Jhoanne. Classmate namin na maganda pero chubby at pala make up. I just told him Marc spent the night on the cushion we set up on the floor for me to have the bed myself.
Darwin: pero nung una magkayakap pa kayo.
Ako: siya ang nakayakap sakin.
Darwin: selos na ko.
Ako: fine.
Darwin: galit na siya oh.
Ako: hindi ako galit.
Darwin: galit ka na eh
Ako: ngayon na pinipilit mo, galit na talaga ako.
Darwin: sorry na
Then we continued eating and nagpahinga ulit lahat para sa huling gabi namin doon na sa beach namin sspend. May mga bar na sa beach nun at dun kami nag-inuman. Masaya ang naging huling gabi namin sa Puerto Galera at nagkasiyahan nang may nagperform na mga fire dancers. Nag-inuman at nang malasing na ang iba ay bumalik na sa place na rinent namin. Nakauwi na kami at nagkausap kami ulit ni Marc.
Marc: pano ba yan. Magsheshare ulit tayo ng kama.
Ako: i don't find anything wrong with that as long as you behave.
Marc: ok.
We settled down and nagsideview siya facing me.
Marc: good night kiss?
Ako: not a chance.
Marc: hug?
Ako: bahala ka.
He hugged me.
Ako: makulit ka talaga.
Marc: sabi mo bahala ako. I want to hug you. Unless you don't want me to....
Ako: it's fine.
Marc buried his face in my shoulders and kissed my neck.
Ako: stop it.
He hugged me tighter
Marc: sorry, I just can't help it.
He grabbed my hand and put it on his cheek and closed his eyes, like my touch pampers him, he was so comfortable. He hugged me and my hand remained on his cheek. Someone lit the lights outside, the window gave way to the light coming from the outside towards the room. The room was dimly lit and I can see Marc's face, he's asleep and that was the first time I get to stare at him for a very long period of time. I noticed his lips, his brows and his lashes. I never felt this drawn to someone before. I felt the urge to kiss him but I'm pulling myself. I pinched his cheek with my hand.
Ako: hey.
It took him a while to respond.
Marc: why?
Ako: I have something to tell you.
Marc: ano?
Ako: I think.. Nevermind.
Marc: what is it? Please tell me..
Ako: I just thought for a second. I may be feeling a little bit confused but I never felt drawn to someone before. You just made it spark.
Marc: really?
Ako: yes. Remember when I told you I'll be perfectly honest with how I feel? I feel drawn towards you. But there's a part of me that says I need to pull myself away because I'm not yet ready.
Marc: I'm willing to wait.
Ako: kiss me.
Marc: what?
Ako: you heard it. I-
Marc grabbed my jaw and kissed me. I can feel his breath in my face. I kissed him back. He rolled over me and his kiss became aggressive. I touched his chest and pushed him away, knocking my breath away as well.
Ako: hhhh- stop.
Marc: okay. *gasp*
Ako: let's sleep.
Marc: sure. *still catching his breath*
We went to sleep. We slept through the night and woke up the next morning. Nauna ako magising nun and I headed towards the terrace where Darwin is busy drinking his coffee.
Ako: good morning
Darwin: not so good morning.
Hindi ko pinansin yung sinabi niya.
Darwin: good morning.
Ako: i thought hindi masyadong good?
Darwin: nothing. Forget it, i was just too naive para magselos hindi pala tayo.
Ako: where is this conversation going?
Darwin: wala.
Ako: good. Hindi rin kami ni Marc. It just happened that someone set up us together to share the same bed.
Darwin: sorry.
Ako: I hope you understand I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm not doing this to hurt anybody. I just can't explain why but I just want to discover something in me that maybe.. Just maybe.. Exists.. And Marc is provocative. I want to refuse most of the time but I'm trying to consider maybe once in a while, to try to be like everyone else. Try to love.
Darwin: i admit, I'm just jealous because it happened ba hindi aka kasama mo palagi.
Berna:gagawa ka kase ng paraan Sinukuan, pinapaubaya mo kase si Bagani eh.
We were both shocked when Berna butted in to our conversation.
Berna: pag hindi kagumawa ng paraan, wala kang mapapala. Mahuhulog siya sa iba.

Dahil sa mga sinabi ni Berna ay nag-iba na ang laro. Darwin was on. Marc is on. Ako yung bola na pinag-aagawan na nila. Last day na namin sa Puerto Galera and everyone is packing their things. I'm mostly done kase I keep my things organized right after I use them. Almost everyone packed up and we headed towards the boat. The two squeezed me between them. Darwin and Marc keeps on getting my attention but when we settled down, I slept. Just so no one will bother me. Marc pulled my head so I can rest on his shoulder. We're like a couple. They woke me up soon as we reach Batangas Port. We took a bus on our way home. Sa Cubao na ako bumaba at nagpasundo sa driver namin. Hinatid na ako sa apartment ko and I went inside my room to change clothes. Tomorrow's gonna be another long day for class. I took a nap and prepared some dish. Just as I start eating, someone knocked on the door. I opened it and saw Darwin, soaking wet. I let him in.
Ako: what's the matter?
Darwin: sumemplang ako dun sa may nasirang pipe ng Maynilad sa Pasig.
Ako: and you drove all the way from Pasig up here to borrow some clothes?
Darwin: no. Well, sort of. Hindi mo ba ako tatanungin kung bakit ako nasa Pasig?
Ako: why?
Darwin: nagdrive ako mula samin papunta dito, I want to tell you that I really like you. I want you to be with me and not with Marc.
Ako: and?
Darwin: I'll do anything.
Ako: let's take care of your shirt first, basang basa ka.
Darwin: ok.
I gave him a shirt and pants. I washed and dried his clothes and hung it till it's really dry. We ate together and bately talked. I went in my room to read and he followed me. He asked me questions about the book I'm reading and I gladly narrate the previous parts. He thoroughly checked my room and saw my collection of books.
Darwin: you know what, my family will be very fond of you. They like reading too.
Ako: ikaw?
Darwin: not really, but I'm impressed by those who do.
Ako: i see.
Darwin: may mga nabasa na rin akong book nung bata pa ako. Nawala lang yung habit.
Ako: what happened?
Darwin: I don't know. It's as if I no longer know how to finish a book.
Ako: people change.
Darwin: exactly.
He went to observe my room.
Darwin: hmmmm. Beige and teal.
Ako: what?
Darwin: your room is beige. Your shelves are teal. Quite an odd color combination.
Ako: i think it's pretty good.
Darwin: try a bit darker shade for your shelves to add some manners, contrasting colors look good together. Not all the time though, but having two light shades I think will affect your eyesight. Try mo lang i-balance. Suggestion lang.
Ako: I'll put that into consideration.
Darwin pull something out of his bag. And put it back again.
Ako: what was that?
Darwin: nothing. Would you like to meet my family? I mean, I want them to know you.
Ako: that'll be fine.
Darwin: great. Tomorrow. After class?
Ako: yeah sure.
 It was a fantastic day after Darwin went home, I slept and woke up next day to prepare for the class. Darwin asked me to go out with him after the class for an event which I considered. Marc also got a bit clingy and was always there when he thinks I need help. After the class I get to prepare for the event Darwin asked me to join him and he fetched me at my apartment around 20:00 or 08:00 pm. Nagtaxi kami nun papunta sa hotel sa Ortigas kung saan ginaganap yung reception sa kasal nung ate niya. I met his sister and his family. It was a good evening. It was all good but he got a bit busy accommodating some of the visitors and had me succumb myself at the corner. It was his Dad that I had the chance to talk to when he’s not around. I crashed to their table. I was not part of the guest list actually. He’s dad is cool. So much like him at makikita mo na may trace talaga sila ng western particularly American looks as well as culture and sophistication.

Darwin’s Dad: nice, tux.
Ako: Thanks.
DD: You’re Darwin’s friend from?
Ako: work.
DD: oh, that’s why it’s our first time to see you. He never really introduced anyone from his workplace.
Ako: it’s my pleasure. Congratulations by the way for your daughter getting married. I bet it’s a bit tough for you.
DD: They’ve been preparing for months, I prepared myself for this day so it’s less emotional for me than her mother. I always knew this day will come.
Ako: mm..
DD: I also know Darwin will come to his right age and meet the person he will marry and love. May it be a woman, a man, a gay or lesbian, I’m cool with it as long as my children are happy.
Ako: mm.. Cool
DD: may it even be a donkey!
Ako: *I laughed* *not a haha laugh but an awkward laugh?

That’s the special part of the conversation I had with Darwin’s Dad. He’s very cool. He’s accommodating and funny. They’re all hospitable. So it came to the part of the program where everyone is dancing on a very romantic music. Darwin and I are settled on the family table with his younger sister. His father is with his mom dancing in the stage along with other couples or partners.

Darwin: kinulit ka daw ni papa ah?
Ako: hahaha, ang kulit ng ng papa mo eh.
Darwin: para lang maging komportable ka.
Ako: I see… well, you’re family is cool.
Darwin: so, kailan mo ko papakilala sa inyo?
Ako: I don’t know. Pag may event din invite ko kayo.
Darwin: you want to dance?
Ako: are you serious?
Darwin: yeah
Ako: nope, I can’t. Pareho tayong naka-tuxedo oh. Pagtinginan pa tayo.
Darwin: who cares? I’m the bride’s brother. Let’s go!
Ako: no.
Darwin: come on!

Darwin grabbed my shoulders and held my hand and pulled me into the stage among the couples who are dancing.

Darwin: now you can’t go back to the table, we’re surrounded.
Ako: I hate you.

Darwin put his hands around me. I don’t know what to do so he clutched my hand and put them at his shoulders. Our faces were 5 inches apart.

Darwin: naiinlove ka na ba?
Ako: you’re taking this too fast.
Darwin: I know. It’s just my way so you won’t end up with Marc.
Ako: ..
Darwin: Marc and I, we talk. Sometimes about you. How amazing you are. Nakakatawa nga kase nagkaintindihan kami ni Marc sa part na pareho kaming staraight pero nabaliw kami sa kapwa lalaki which makes us bakla na rin. Marc and I got ourselves fall in love with such an amazing person, but still a man. We’ll be judged but who cares? As long as we’re happy right? I want to be the best person for you. Kaya ngayon pa lang tina-try ko nang patunayan yung sarili ko sa’yo.
Ako: It’s just hard for me to take all of these at once.
Darwin: I know it’s confusing. But who wants to live in certainty? You wake up and know exactly what will happen, who will enjoy that life? Where’s the fun in that? If there’s one thing I can give you, it’s happiness. Nalito din ako nung nagising ako na mahal na kita at pinag-isipan ko rin ‘to. Kaya maiintindihan ko kung nalilito ka rin.
Ako: thanks.
Darwin: forgive me if there’s one more thing I’d do to make you more confused.
Ako: what’s it?

Darwin kissed me. Right in front of everyone who enjoy watching other people dance and those who dance as well. It took a minute before he pull himself back. I did not kiss him back. I just stood with my eyes wide open in pure shock. I never thought someone is brave enough to do that. Especially Darwin. His parents are watching him. Us. Then time seemed so slow and fast. Next thing I knew is I’m standing outside the place and waiting for my driver to fetch me with Darwin at my side still talking to me.

Darwin: nah. My dad’s cool with it. We’re liberated and open naman.
Darwin:  I have a theory.
Ako: what?
Darwin: that no man is pure straight.
Ako: what do you mean?
Darwin: most if not all, na-attract sa kapwa lalake. Or sa bakla. Most especially if maamo yung  mukha tsaka mabait. Parang ako. Nagising na lang ako na gusto kita.
Ako:  I just can’t imagine falling in love. You see, I never made a friend. They always do the first move to approach me and I’m never good enough. I barely talk, I have my doors closed.
Darwin: That’s not an excuse to turn your back into learning how to do it. How to love. How to try.
Ako: It’s just unfair. You being all brave and open about what you feel for me and me not even sure if I feel the same way. It’s like making someone hope for something that’s entirely unachievable.
Darwin: that’s the whole point of hoping. You hope for something you can’t achieve and hope to achieve it, or earn it… or at least get to the point where you get the final Yes or No.
Ako: and be wrecked soon as you get rejected.
Darwin: but it’s worth the times you‘ve been inspired to do things, to change, to see things that matter throughout the journey. It’s like waiting an egg to be hatched only to have a breakfast served in your plate in the morning. Though you wanted a chicken, you get to have a sunny side up fried egg for breakfast after a long dark night of sleeping.

That kids, is how Darwin made it into my heart. I was wrong not to try to look through him during the first few days we started the class together. I was an ass thinking I’m better than everyone. Being talkative and hard headed does not describe the entirety of your personality. It’s what you’ve been through that made you who you are and what makes you YOU. That even though we were raised differently, there is this word “acceptance” that fills in our differences. It was a very pleasant evening. His family is very cool. I learned a lot of things from him. First thing next morning I found myself falling in love. And that’s another part to tell.
Thanks KM readers. I hope I wrote the story better. Some of it were a bit modified, medyo di ko na kasi matandaan yung word by word conversation namin pero yun pa din yung thought. Those who want to catch up with Me and Ramil, yeah, after some years na naging messed up yung life ko due to broken heart, I’m starting to heal and Ramil is a huge part of the process. I think I’m slowly turning back to my old self which I enjoy sharing. Minsan may makakasalamuha kayo na LGBTQ member na promiscuous or mahilig sa sex or anything “immoral” as they say, pero let’s try to understand that each person has different stories. Respeto lang
Thanks ulit KM.

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