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Sunday, March 4, 2018

Ortigas Extension (Part 4)

By: Greg

Me: I hope you find peace and move on the soonest. You have an option to tell the truth but you chose to break my heart. Take care of yourself. Til then.

Eto ang huling mga katagang binitiwan ko sa text. Sa mga oras na yun, walang makukomparahan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Gulong gulo ako sa mga nangyari. Ang tanong lang na pumapasok sa isipan ko ay ang katagang " Bakit?!" Damang dama ko bawat sakit, sakit na hindi mo mapaliwanag.

The next day I received a text from him.

Al: Greg, please kailangan ko ng kausap,  ngayon kita kailangan. I am so sorry for hurting you. Hindi ko sinasadya. Dimayan naman kita nung nasa sitwasyon ka, sana ako rin.

Sa mga oras na yun,  ramdam ko ang kalungkutan niya, gustong gusto ko syang damayan. Masakit man pero may pride naman ako at dignidad na umiral sa mga oras na yun. Minarapat kong wag munang sumagot sa text message niya. Nung sumunod na araw ako sumagot.

Me: Pasensya na at di ko mapagbibigyan ang hiling mo. Gustuhin ko man na dayaman ka pero di ko kayang makitang nasasaktan ka habang pinagluluksa pagkawala ng minahal mo. Patawad. Magkaiba sitwasyon natin Al sa mga panahong may pinagdadaanan ako. I can't afford to see you mourning for the loss of your love. Please don't be selfish. Kaya mo po yan. I hope you moved on the soonest. Take care of yourself.

Bawat segundo,  minuto at oras nang araw na yun,  damang dama ko, ang sakit, sakit sakit. Pain that you can never imagine. kinagabihan nakareceive ako ng sunod-sunod na text galing sa kanya.

Al: Greg?
Al: I'm so sorry.  Hindi ko sinasadyang saktan ka. Wala akong intensyon. Paniwalaan mo sana ako. Minahal kita at mahal pa din kita. Please believe me when I say I loved you. I meant it.
Al: Sobrang sakit lang talaga ng pagkawala niya. Pakiramdam ko may parte sa akin na nawala. Sobrang nasasaktan ako ngayon. Ngayon na wala na siya saka ko napatunayan lahat ng mga sinasabi niya sa akin,  na mahal niya ako at dun ako nasasaktan. Ayaw ko ng makarinig sayo ng negative na salita. I feel like you're brushing me off. I will wait until he gets buried this Sunday and we'll talk. Pagkatapos neto magiging okay na ako. I missed you so much.
The moment I read his text messages, hindi ko na napigilan ang luha ko. Para akong tinotorture, nagseselos ako pero wala na ang taong sana'y pagseselosan o pinagseselosan ko. Anong gagawin ko? Hindi ko mapigilan ang emotion ko. ( I have to be a great actor at that time because I am at home, my wife should not see me in that situation.)

Just so when karma hit me so freakin bad, yea?! ( please don't judge me. I have yet to give you the details of our set up )

I have to pretend that I was okay in that very moment knowing my wife was around. Gusto ko mang magconcentrate at maging focus pero di ko makaya,  ang epekto sa akin ng nangyari sa amin ni Al ay sobrang nakakapanghina. I feel like I am being tortured mentally and physically.

Days had gone by at bawat gawin or sabihin ko, naaalala ko sya. Dumaan ang mga araw na hindi kami nag-uusap. Sa bawat araw na lumilipas, mas lumalalim ang sakit. Sakit na di mo mawari. Gustohin ko man at piliting  intindihin ang sitwasyon pero di ko makaya. Mas lalo akong nasasaktan sa bawat segundo, minuto at oras na lumilipas. Ang nasa isip ko, hindi siya magkakaganun at maaapektohan ng labis kung talagang di niya to mahal. It slowly syncing that I just became a fall back. Yan ang tumatak sa isipan ko. Sa nangyari sa amin na yun,  unti-unting naapektohan ang performance ko sa trabaho.

I decided to install the app kung san kami nagkakilala para malibang. The moment I opened my radar, a greeting came saying " Hi " I looked closely to this mysterious man and damn! he looks familiar. Yes,  He's lance,  my ex........nagkausap at nagkakuhanan ng numero.... Sa mga oras na yun na paguusap namin, kahit papaano, naiibsan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko at nasabi ko sa kanya ang pinagdadaanan ko. I got his sympathy. We decided to meet-up at uminom. Sa pagkikita namin na yun pansin ni Lance ang matinding kalungkutan na nadarama ko. Andun yun ginagawa niya lahat mapatawa lang ako. He was trying real hard to get humor but he's failed. Sa konting araw lang na napagsamahan namin, ang rami niyang ginagawa,  andito yung mag-aaya ng kain,  invite dito invite dun but no matter what he does, mas naaalala ko si Al at di maiwasan may sumilip na luha sa aking mga mata.

It's weekend finally and I supposedly be going home to see my child pero nag-alibi na lang ako sa asawa ko na may gagawing akong trabaho sa office at di ako makakauwi sa amin. Yung araw na rin yun ang araw na nakatakdang iburol ang ex ni Al. Sa tuwing naiisip ko yun nadudurog ang puso ko,  nararamdaman ko sakit na nararamdaman nya,  na kailangan niya ng karamay pero nanaig pa rin ang emosyon ko na wag magparamdam kahit na gustong gusto ko. Alam ko ang sakit ng mawalan ng minamahal. I feel like he needed me at that time but my ego is stopping me.

Nung araw narin yun,  kinamusta ako ng bestfriend niya....

Jeff (Al's bestfriend): Musta?
Me: Mending pare. 😄
Jeff: Nakausap ko si Al,  ngayon daw pala burol, pagkatapos daw nun, kakausapin ka daw niya.

We had a small talk and decided not to reply anymore mas lalo kasing lumalalim ang sugat na nararamdaman ko. Sa mga oras na yun, hindi ko na kinakaya ang sakit.

Kinagabihan ng araw na yun. I thought and was expecting that he'd comeover, at least to see me but I was wrong, there was no Al. I was at my lowest point at that time. I texted my friend if he can comeover as I feel like sasabog ang dibdib ko sa sama ng loob. I was a bit drunk na rin ng oras na yun. My friend came and hugged him real tight, tellin him na di ko na kaya, ang sakit sakit. After an hour, I grabbed my phone and I attempted to call him numerous times,  at that time, ang nasa isip ko lang papatawarin ko na siya, kasi ayaw ko ng maramdaman ang sakit na yun,  masisiraan ako ng baet pero wala, walang sagot. Paulit ulit kong tinatanong sarili ko bakit?  Bakit nagkaganeto?  I'm trying real hard to understand the situation but I really don't get it.

Lumipas ang araw na hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap. Nag-aabang ako minu-minuto pag nasa veranda ako bawat nadaan na kaparehas ng sasakyan niya napapatingin ako. Umaasa ako ng isang araw tatawag sya or hihilinging makipagkita pero wala, umaasa ako sa wala. Mas lalo akong nadedepress but I have to stay intact and act as if I am okay. Napanindigan ko yun. After days of not talking I texted his bestfriend asking for his digits as I have to ask him something. I have to get his bank account number to pay what I owe.  After a couple of minutes I received a text from his bestfriend and immediately texted him.

Me: Hi I just transferred *****php. Thank you po sa lahat. Tatanawin ko pong malaking utang na loob sa inyo yun.

Lumipas ang oras na di ako nakareceive ng reply, so naglog-in ako sa messenger at senend sa kanya ang tenext ko, pagkacheck ko, nakaseen. So walang reaksyon. I deleted his number again para mapigilan ko ang sarili ko na matext or makipagcommunicate sa kanya. I even blocked him again sa messenger. Sa mga oras na yun,  mas lumalalim na at tumataas ang galit ko sa kanya. I deserve an explanation.

Kinagabihan,  tumawag na naman ang bestfriend niya kinakamusta ako,  and suddenly tinanong niya ako kung alam ko ba daw na namatay na ang tatay niya. I was shocked and didn't know how to react. I don't know how would I initiate a conversation. After a couple of minutes I was about to call him pero nabura ko pala number niya. I checked my resources and boom,  yung number niya nasa call logs ko, luckily!  I immediately called him but there was no answer. I have tried it repeatedly,  but there was still no answer so I texted him. I feel like he needed me at that very moment so no matter what our issues were, I have to set aside them. He was at my side when I needed someone the most.

Me: I heard about your loss. My deepest condolences. If you need a shoulder, I am just here. Don't ever think na may nagbago or nabawasan pagmamahal ko sayo,  mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Andito lang po ako.

Nilunok ko na pride ko nun.. Lumipas na naman ang mga oras at wala akong nareceive na sagot sa kanya. After 6 hours I got a message from him saying he was too busy kasi ang rami daw tao at nagpasalamat sa pakikiramay. I attempted to call him again but same situation. He didn't answer. I have tried everyday to get in touch but he's not responding. Tenext ko kaibigan niya kung saan ang lamay kasi pakiramdam ko ayaw niya akong pumunta or makapunta. After getting the details,  I just textes him "I'm on my way" sumagot naman sya na wala daw sya dun sa funeraria kasi umalis daw sya with his tita at may nilalakad but I didn't believe him. Ang pakiramdam ko ayaw niya lang talaga akong pumunta sa lamay.

While on my way samu't sari ang nararamdaman ko,  sakit,  kaba at pag-aalinlangan pero alam ko sa sarili ko na need ko yung gawin at kailangan niya ako sa mga oras na yun. I fought and gathered all my nerves just to be at his dad's wake. So finally dumating na ako sa lamay. I texted him advising that I'm already there and if he can go out for a minute. I received a text from him that he was really not there and he was with his tita. He told me just to get inside as his siblings and mother were there and to just introduce myself as his buddy. When I stepped into the door I can't find a nerve to approach any of his relatives kasi wala akong idea who to approach, kung sino nanay at mga kapatid niya so I sat at the corner, observing. Matindi ang emosyon ko nun,  hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ko kung handa ba akong makita sya ulit at sa ganun pang sitwasyon. I finally found my gut and approached the guys who seemed busy at that time,  at sya pala ang kuya niya. His brother and I had a small talk and informed me that Al went out with their tita at mejo matatagalan sila, sinabi ko namang okay lang hihintayin ko na lang.

Masama pakiramdam ko nun kasi araw araw akong di makatulog sa kakaisip sa kanya at pumapasok parin sa trabaho despite of stress at yun lang ang chance ko kasi Sunday kunabukasan ibuburol na tatay niya kaya ako naghintay. So finally, after 5 hours of waiting ininform ako ng kuya niya na parating na daw sila. I was sitting at the corner when I saw him walking and approaching. He went straight to me and tapped my shoulded. I shaked his hand and extended my deepest condolences. Napagusapan namin mga nangyari,  what causes the death but during our conversation, I can't look him in the eye because I am hurting at napansin naman siguro niya yun. We have to act as normal kasi andun pamilya niya at hindi pwedeng mahalata kung anong namamagitan sa amin. After a couple of minutes,  I invited him if he can accompany me outside to smoke, sinagot niya ako na hindi na daw sya nagyoyosi pero sasamahan daw niya ako.

Nasa labas na kami pero yung awkwardness andun,  so I initiated a talk, biglang lumabas na lang sa bibig ko ang katagang " I miss you... I miss you so much " sumagot naman sya, " likewise" Pagkarinig ko nun,  nanumbalik lahat ng sakit. I stayed intact and pretended that I was fine. Pagkatapos kong magsigarilyo nagpa-alam na ako,  telling him I can't stay that long because bumibigay na mata ko.  Nagbook ng ako ng Grab pero sa kasamaang palad nadeadbat ako so need kong maglakad palabas para makasakay,. So I told him that I have to go. Nung time na yun,  tiningnan ko sya sa mata, pagkatama na pagkatama ng mga mata namin, I saw his soul, the Al that I met the first time who looked so stress and that gave me pain. I can't hold my emotion, nasabi ko na lang na  magpakatatag siya, tinapik sya sa balikat at namaaalam na ako......

Love is a strength yet a nightmare -- Unknown

Maraming maraming salamat po sa pagbasa ng mga naunang chapters neto. As I'm taking the next stage of my life,  I am still praying and hoping for him that he surpasses whatever he's going thru right now.

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