Crazy Senses (Part 2)

By: Rafael

When you start questioning your faith, you tend to find answers, answers to questions that no one is certain of, and because of those questions, you become stronger, determined and focused. Mabilis ang paglipas ng mga araw, subalit hindi ganoon kabilis ang paglimot ko sa nangyari sa amin ni Andrew. Bagkus, nagbunga pa iyon ng mas maraming katanungan, tama ba o mali? Kung susundin mo ang dikta ng lipunan at ang opinyon ng nakararami, MALI iyon, subalit, kailan ba naging mali ang nararamdaman ng isang katulad ko? I have not committed any crime nor violated anybody’s right. Pero mali raw kasi. Alin ba ang mali? Ang ginawa ko? Ang maari kong gawin? O ako mismo? Sino ba ang binigyan ng karapatan ng Diyos na tukuyin kung sino ang mapupunta sa langit at sino ang susunugin sa nag aapoy na lawa?

Almost every day of my life turned out so differently.

I was studying my first degree then, and I ventured out life away from home. I rented an apartment near the university where I was enrolled. Nakilala ko si Joseph. He was taking BS Psychology. I was taking up AB Political Science. We were both active in campus politics and both excelled in academics, kaya malimit na nagkakatagpo ang aming mga landas, until we nurtured the best of friendship. Straight si Joseph, and in all honesty, hindi ko pinagnasaan ang bestfriend ko. Parang kambal na ang naging buhay naming dalawa, alam ng bawat isa ang ibig sabihin ng bawat buntong hininga, bawat pagsalubong ng kilay, ngiti, tawa, maging ang katahimikan.

Joseph is dark-skinned, brusko, may itsura at may sense of humor. Walang idle moments kapag magkasama kami, puro malulutong na tawanan at mga birong di mo malaman kung saang sulok ng daigdig hinugot. Kasama ko siya sa panliligaw sa girlfriend ko,
yes, I had girlfriends, not because I was pretending, but it is because I have this part of me that loves the opposite. Kasama niya rin ako sa panliligaw sa naging girlfriend niya. We both have nasty love life if not great ex-girl-lovers.

Isang maulan na hapon nang nagdesisyon kaming ‘di pumasok sa afternoon subjects namin, we both stayed in my room, which, we usually do. That time, tinutulungan ko siyang tapusin ang scrapbook ng kanyang buhay, if I remember it right, it was a requirement that was being chased by deadlines. Daming dikit, gupit, makalat, then he decided that we both take a nap. Malamig sa labas, malakas ang hangin, ‘yong tipong dinuduyan ka ng antok at lamig ng panahon. Lights were turned off, magkatabi kami parati sa pagtulog, sa apartment ko man o sa bahay nila. In the middle of our sleep, napayakap ako kay Joseph, dati ko rin naming ginagawa iyon, but this time, nagising ako dahil gumanti rin siya ng yakap. At first, di ko pinansin, walang namumuong plano, walang bahid ng malisya, kasi nga, bestfriend ko naman ang kayakap ko. Our faces were just an inch apart, palitan na ng hininga, halos nagkakadikit na ang aming mga ilong. Nagising na ng tuluyan ang aking diwa habang nananatiling nakapikit ang aking mga mata. Nagsimulang maglaro ang aking imahinasyon, naglakbay na ang aking isip. Ano ba kasi ang balak ni Joseph? Then he changed his position, tumihaya, ako naman ay nanatiling nakayakap. I had a sigh of relief, and convinced myself that everything was just fine. So I was about to remove my arms para umiba na rin ng posisyon ng pagtulog, pero hinawakan nia iyon, I got his message, ayaw niyang kumawala ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya. Yakap ko pa rin siya, hawak niya pa rin ang kamay ko, at ganoon nga ang naging posisyon namin ng halos isang oras, matagal na pakiramdaman, isang digmaan ng damdamin, sino ang unang bibigay? At kung may susuko man, may maipapanalo bang laban?

After almost an hour naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ng kanyang kamay. Panalo ako. Walang bugso ng kahinaan ang namayani sa akin nang panahong iyon. Patuloy ang paghimas ni Joseph sa aking kamay, banayad, may sinusundang ritmo, makahulugang haplos ng isang matalik na kaibigan. Hanggang sa ibinaba niya ang aking kamay, patungo sa direksyong may pangako ng kaluwalhatian, isang paghintulot sa anumang pwedeng maganap sa sandaling iyon. He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. Mabilis, mapusok at mainit ang sumunod na nangyari. We were torridly kissing, we were panting, no words, no acts of defiance, every move was consented, every part was working mutually. Then I stopped.

“I’m sorry” narinig ko mula kay Joseph.
“No, I should be sorry” sagot ko naman.

Katahimikan.

“Bakit ba tayo nagso-sorry?” pagbasag niya.
Sabay ang pagsabog ng aming halakhak.

Katahimikan.

At hinarap niya ako, naaaninag ko siya, he reached for my lips again. And the music went on. There was this silent pact to pursue, whatever it takes. That moment was meant to happen, those feelings were meant to be felt and the world was ours. No stopping. I found myself running my tongue through his neck, down to his chest, nipples, navel hanggang maabot ko ang kanyang bukol. Matigas iyon, makamandag, I pulled down his boxers and there you go, his piece of meat. Di ko Makita dahil na rin sa kadiliman ng silid, subalit ramdam ko ang laki nito, I kissed it and whispered, “this is mine, I know it”. It was a rightful claim of what I believed was mine. Binalot ko iyon ng mainit kong bibig, ‘yong hagod na may halong pagmamahal, bawat pag taas-baba ay nagbibigay aliw hanggang sa kasuloksulukan ng aming pagkatao. His scent and his gentleness were so promising. Doon ko naramdaman ang tunay na ligayang dulot ng pagtatalik na walang halong paghuhusga. After several minutes he reached a powerful orgasm. I took it all.

Simula noon, naging mas malapit na kami sa isat-isa, but we never talked about it. Not even a word about what happened. Hanggang sa naging parte na iyon ng aming buhay. We used to have sex every time we felt like we had to. We both protected ourselves.

Sa pagyabong ng aming pagkakaibigan ni Joseph, mas nakilala ko ang aking sarili. Mas nakilala ko rin kung anong uri ng lipunan ang aking ginagalawan. Pinaninindigan ko na ngayon kung ano at sino ako, walang nagbago sa aking panlabas na anyo, subalit, alam kong natagpuan ko na ang aking sarili at gamay ko na ang bawat hibla ng aking pagkatao.

I never intended to come out to the open this much. And I wrote my story to tell the people of my kind, that you are not alone. Never lose hope, never listen to their interpretations, because this world is not ours, it is God’s.

 Walang sinuman ang binigyan ko ng karapatang husgahan at maliitin ang aking mundo, I have been working so hard to establish my name, my career and my future. I also took time to study the Bible, and never did the scripture say that “God loves you if…” nor did it ever say “God loves you because…”. God’s love is unconditional. No color, no race, no gender that is being required. Alam ko iyon, sana alam din ng karamihan.