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Sunday, January 29, 2017

Darwin's Theory (Part 3)

By: Julius

Thanks again KM readers for the reviews. Gamitin ko siya this part para iimprove yung reading experience niyo. And sorry na din sa pagdedescribe ko sa sarili ko if sobrang papuri. Medyo pinapakilala ko lang ng husto sarili ko. Yeah, namention ko naman na mahina nga ako sa navigation, at 19 introvert and ignorant ako about the world. Ayun. Part 3... Hmm... Last time ayun nga tumakbo palabas si Darwin sa kwarto ko leaving me wondering if he took advantage of me while I was sleeping. That time nung naive pa ako, naiinis ako at the same time gusto ko yung idea na baka ganun nga na kiniss niya ako nung tulog ako. Siguro yun nga yung first time na naging in between ako ng inis at tuwa. I enjoyed it. Kahit hindi na kami ni Darwin today tinetreasure ko yung feeling na yun. Pretty much everything that happened to me since I was born up to when I was 19 were boring things. Or you can consider boring. Darwin sparked enthusiasm within I never found from my previous suitors. Crush ko na yata siya. Tama kayo if sumagi sa isip niyo na first crush ko si Darwin. Ayoko nga gamitin yung term kase and sagwa pakinggan. All day lahat ng effort niya to take care of me while I was sick gave me happy thoughts. Pero sa isip ko, hindi pwede, ayoko pa. Came morning and I prepared to go to our class though I'm not really feeling well. So as usual, nagkita kita ulit kami sa classroom nila Marc. Nakayapos na si Berna kay Darwin when I entered the room. Then tinulak ni Darwin yung mukha ni Berna para tumayo at umupo sa tabi ko.

Berna: ya, baby pinagtataksilan mo ko sa harap ko? I hate you!
Ako: he's all yours. I have my book here I brought for company. (sabay ikot patalikod sa kanila at paharap sa computer ko)
Darwin: so, C.S. Lewis..
Ako: ... Hmm... Yeah, as what the spine (part ng book) says..
Darwin: ang sungit mo na naman. Pahawaan kaya kita ng sakit.
Marc: Jules. Can we talk? 15 minutes. Please
Ako: no, the last time we talked you tried to kis...
Darwin: ano?!
Marc: hey, don't butt in
Ako: both of you, get a distance!
Berna: ateng, haba ng hair oh.. Nakapalupot na sa chair. (halfway across the room)

Bale si Marc naka-lean towards me, his hands on my desk. Si Darwin naman ay nasa upuan na katabi ko. Halos bulong lang ang naging usapan namin kasunod.

Darwin: is this guy bothering you? Why is he trying to kiss you?!?!?
Ako: no!
Marc: we're talking, pwede Darwin konting privacy?
Ako: please. For good's sake

Umalis si Darwin at bumalik sa tabi ni Berna na siya namang ikinatuwa nung binabae.

Ako: now we're talking?
Marc: I'm sorry.
Ako: for what?

Marc: nothing. I'm just sorry. For what happened.
Ako: you sorry is insincere if you're not sure what to be sorry about.
Marc: look. You're my friend right? And lahat nagsisimula sa friendship. I like you for what you are. I just realized that and it's killing me that you don't even show little enthusiasm.
Ako: I need to think ok? This is too much. Una si Darwin, then I get comfortable with you cause you never show any agenda, then now you're making me upset and guilty with what happened between you and you girlfriend.
Marc: I didn't intend to make you feel that way.
Ako: let's discuss this when things aren't very much chaotic. You just got off of your relationship. I want you to think twice.

The day ended as if nasa black hole ako. Walang pumasok sa utak ko kahit ano. Dahil nalilito ako, si Ate Dina ko agad yung pinuntahan ko. Good thing she can make herself available anytime pag walang meeting.

Ako: hey, how's work?
Ate Dina: It's fine. Ikaw?
Ako: not in the slightest. You see, si Marc, co-trainee ko din, he tried to kiss me.
Ate Dina: oh.. What did you do?
Ako: i pulled myself away.
Ate Dina: why did he try to kiss you?
Ako: nakipagbreak siya sa girlfriend niya. He said he likes me.
Ate Dina: wait, Marc.. Yung dancer na sociable and sikat?
Ako: exactly.
Ate Dina: what did he say? Bakit ka niya gusto? Diba sabi mo straight yun at may girlfriend nga?
Ako: I don't know.. He said it bothers him that I don't give a single damn towards him.
Ate Dina: I see. Well, don't overthink. And don't let anyone fool you. Baka nagloloko lang yun.
Ako: thanks. It's gonna be easy for me..

Next day sa smoking area Berna approached me and pulled me so we can have private conversation.

Berna: Bagani!
Ako: would you stop calling me that?
Berna: hahaha, ok. So napansin ko tsaka ateng, alam ko na parehong may gusto sa'yo yung dalawa, si Marc at Darwin. Certified home wrecker ka ateng, una kami ni baby tapos sila Marc naman..
Ako: gusto mong matanggalan ng ngipin? I don't intend any of those things to happen and they're all yours.
Berna: grabe ka ateng. Pero kase ask ko lang bakit ayaw mo?
Ako: concerned ka?
Berna: oo naman... Dun sa dalawa haha
Ako: ok, simple. I'm too young.
Berna: we? Legal na yan ateng.
Ako: look, I'm just not interested.
Berna: jan naiinlove sa'yo lalo yung dalawa. Kase hindi ka interesado.
Ako: what do you mean?
Berna: kase ganito yan, yung dalawa ang popogi diba, so hindi na bago sa kanila yung mga may crush sa kanila. Sometimes or mas madalas nga sila yung nangi-snob. Yan, kaya nacha-challenge sila kase ini-snob mo sila. Breath of fresh air ka Bagani. Hahaha. Makes sense?
Ako: totally. And thank you.. For pointing out that they're just attracted to the idea that I'm a challenge.
Berna: so, sino talaga sa kanila gusto mo?
Ako: wala.
Berna: kahit slight?
Ako: hmm.. Si Darwin nakakairita, si Marc ayos lang. Pero wala pa din..
Berna: so si Marc?
Ako: no!
Marc: what no?

Hindi sinabi ni Berna na nasa likod ko na pala si Marc kaya nagulat ako nung nagsalita siya at nung napalingon ako ay nasiko ko siya sa tagiliran.

Marc: ugh!
Ako: oh, sorry sorry...
Marc: It's fine.
Berna: Amaya, iwan ko na kayo jan.. Hahahaha (and Berna left)
Marc: i've been thinking too much these past few days.. First. If I will disclose my feelings for you. Second if there's a chance for us to be.. You know.. Together?
Ako: we're already together. As friends..
Marc: see? You're stubborn. You seem to dodge reality. But despite that, I still can't hate you.
Ako: nagkausap kami ni Berna. About this thing. Right here. Between us.
Marc: and?
Ako: He ( he pa rin kase lalaki si Berna hahaha) told me you just find it challenging to get my attention kaya you're pursuing this.
Marc: medyo tama siya. It's frustrating. Pag laging ikaw yung hinahabol ng mga tao and then suddenly, you came. Someone who never try hard and don't care if bibigyan kita ng attention or hindi. You don't seem to notice the things I do for you or miss them when I don't do them.
Ako: things like what?
Marc: see? It's more offensive that you prove me right. Na wala ka talagang pake.
Ako: I'm sorry, it's just that I don't find any deed special from someone who is not special for me. Huh... I guess that didn't made anything better
Marc: sinusupalpal mo talaga sakin na wala kang pake.
Ako: you're a friend. Of course you matter.
Marc: not enough for you to even give a damn.
Ako: so-rry.. if I was not able to learn how to care. No one ever cared about me and I never cared about anyone except my sister. Don't take it personally.
Marc: I care about you.
Ako: not now Marc. Right now it's not your attention that will fulfill what's missing inside me.
Marc: who then?
Ako: my parents.

Lumalim ang paghinga naming dalawa. Ako dahil hindi ako sanay sa exploitation noon and I feel stripped off of my privacy because of that statement. And si Marc because he felt the need to share his air to me. He tapped my shoulder and pulled me towards him and embraced me. It was unforgettable. Like, we fit on each other. Payat pa ako nun and siya naman ay may laman dahil sa sport and hobby niya. Kaya when he embraced me, it's like my whole world has been wrapped around the arms of someone who cares about me. Someone different. Someone I never thought would care so much for me. Much as I don't give a damn to my suitor's feelings for me, I gave no single damn to the people who stared at us. Then it's over. He pulled himself away and it's like he's pulling something from me too. His absence was a total wreck for me. I miss him already. Kahit nasa harap ko lang siya. We used the elevator to go up to where our classroom is. Then there's only two of us on the elevator. We're going 17 floors. We reached third floor and he spoke.

Marc: Jules. I'm sorry. Just know that I'm always here for you.
Ako: I always knew that. You're a very good friend.

Marc hold my shoulders and now we're facing each other. Dun ko lang na-notice na ang lalim ng tingin niya sakin. Yung tingin na hindi ka hinuhubaran pero yung gustong silipin yung pagkatao mo. That's Marc. He's always been friendly. Pleasant personality and a very good friend. He leaned and stopped when our faces were 5 inches away from each other. He slipped his hand from my shoulder to my back. And then he pulled me towards him. And we kissed. Not for too long. And we reached 15th floor. We stand apart and walked out the elevator soon as we reach 17th floor. Nasa pantry kami nung muli kaming nag-usap.

Ako: why did you do that?
Marc: the ki--
Ako: shhh!! Shh!! Shh!! No one should.. Urgghh..
Marc: no one should know about that?
Ako: ewan
Marc: so, pwede ko ikwento sa iba?
Ako: of course not! I mean, that's not necessary. Why did you do that?
Marc: It was all I can think of when you did not pull yourself away when I hugged you. And first time kita. I mean, sa lalaki.. Na i-kiss.
Ako: so basically.. You took advantage sa emotions ko.
Marc: no! Hindi ko gagawin yun. I just want to comfort you.
Ako: how's that gonna comfort me? It was.. (long pause)
Marc: what?
Ako: nothing, forget it. Ayoko nang mainis lalo.
Marc: so, naiinis ka? First time mo rin ba? I mean, I don't doubt your statement when you said you are a virgin..
Ako: of course it was.. As.. far.. as.. I can remember...
Marc: so meron na nga?
Ako: no!
Marc: ok
Ako: see, I'm not good being a friend or with kissing, I certainly am not good at being in a relationship.
Marc: It wasn't so bad.. Promise..
Ako: what?
Marc: the kiss.

That time I was so embarassed I turned around only to bump someone walking towards the pantry. It was Emily as what her ID says and she's from the other class. Her water spilled and I said I'm sorry only to be told I am dumb.

Marc: hey! Watch your manners.
Emily: oh, sabihan mo yang kasama mo na tumingin sa dinadaanan. At wag tanga.
Ako: you're aware of my presence are you not? And did you just said na tanga ako after ko magsorry?
Emily: ugh! Hindi ba?
Ako: it was an accident.

She spilled her water once again and this time it was aimed at my shirt. Then she said terrible things I can no longer recall but it has to do something with things she don't know about me. I don't really know how to react then. I just know I have to act professionally.

Emily: oh, sorry, accidents happen right?
Ako: yeah they do. It's clear na hindi aksidente yung ginawa mo. I did my job I already apologized. And.. Sorry ulit. I can no longer comprehend your shallow-mindedness. I did not turn on my bullshit language translator today.
Marc: hoy ikaw,
Emily: oh? Kalalaki mong tao papatol ka sa babae? Yung bakla lang yung kausap ko.
Berna: ay! Ateng! Ano ka dito? Mataas posisyon mo? Akala mo kung sino umasta, kalbuhin kaya kita?
Emily: ugh! Mga bading epal talaga.

Iniwan ko yung dalawa na nag-aaway and headed towards the restroom. Tinanggal ko yung undershirt ko and wear my sweater instead na kinuha ko from my locker. I groomed myself and just as I exit the restroom, Marc is already in front of the door, waiting for me.

Marc: how are you?
Ako: hmm. I'm fine.
Marc: sure?
Ako: you said I don't give a damn on how you feel about me right, how can you imagine I give a damn to a person I barely know?
Marc: wala lang, akala ko makikipag-away ka pa eh. Hehe
Ako: you're not gonna like it when you see how I handle people in violent terms.
Marc: bakit?
Ako: wala lang, volleyball player. Nangi-spike ako ng mukha.
Marc: oohh. Dapat simulan ko na pala matakot. Hahahaha
Ako: yeah, unless you're not gonna mess up with me, are you?
Marc: certainly not.
Ako: good. Let's go.
Marc: wait, gusto ko malaman opinion mo dun sa kiss. You turned your back on me.
Ako: let's not discuss about it.
Marc: not today?
Ako: not today.
Marc: soon then.

He smiled and dragged me towards the classroom. Then buong araw sa classroom it was me and Marc together trying to comprehend the lesson as much as we could. Si Berna and Darwin is magkasama sa kabilang dulo opposite to mine. Usually 30 minutes lang ang lunch namin but that day we spent 1 hour for lunch kase yung trainer namin ay may family emergency and needs to get home. So we waited for proxy. We finished our lunch and I decided not to go with Marc to smoke and went to the couch area where Berna and Darwin are staying. Soon as I settle myself down to the couch, Darwin stood up and went somewhere else. Berna approached me. The conversation was foggy in my memory but I'll try my best to write it as close as possible.

Berna: ateng.
Ako: yes?
Berna: napansin mo si Darwin malungkot?
Ako: not exactly.
Berna: hindi ka nga nagpe-pay ng attention sa kanya. Kawawa naman si Sinukuan... Ateng. Alam mo ba nakakainggit ka.
Ako: bakit naman?
Berna: Bagani, dalawa yang humahabol sa'yo oh. Pareho ko kaya silang nakakausap. Sige ka kaka-comfort ko jan baka sakin mainlove mawalan ka pa.
Ako: I don't mind. I'm not yet ready anyway. Sa'yo na sila. Hehe
Berna: ateng. Hindi na ako pwede.
Ako: boyfriend?
Berna: hindi ateng. Sa dinami dami ko nang naging boyfriend kase pangparaos na lang ang hinahanap ko. At pangparaos na lang turing sakin ateng. Kaya ka nga nakakainggit kase una, inosente ka pa. Ang sarap kaya nung ganyan.
Ako: I don't think so.
Berna: ateng, swerte kang ganyan. Yung mga gaya kasi namin kinukutsa sa lipunan. Ang hirap nung ganun. Tsaka isa pa ang aga rin nawala ng kamusmusan ko. Ikaw 19 and fresh.
Ako: what happened?
Berna: sexually abused ako ateng. 9 years old pa lang jinujugjug na ako ng mga tito ko. Kaya nga lumaking ganito kagaslaw. Maswerte ka makakapag start ka. Yung magandang start. Yung mga bagay na mangyayari eh magical. Pangarap ko yan teng, kaso wala na talaga.
Ako: well, I believe naman someone will accept your flaws. Just start by accepting them yourself first. And haha, yung parausan is quite a term, maybe you should get that out from you vocab.
Berna: mahirap na teng. Anyway. Focus tayo sa'yo hahahaha. Una, yung start mo eh maganda. You can keep the relationship as long as you want kase the guy will consider. Maganda ka naman pag naging babae ka. Tapos ang yaman mo pa. Hahaha
Ako: stop it. (I don't want to be defined by anything like how I dress myself and especially with how many digits is klmy net worth)
Berna: teng, give them a chance ok, and sana. Hindi paglandi tinuturo ko sa'yo ah. Sabi mo dati you hate exploitation. Tinuturuan kita ngayon kung pano magkaroon ng kaibigan. Yung malalim na pagkakaibigan. See, when I exploited myself to you I have no idea you were so open minded that you didn't judge me. Sana makita mo rin sa ibang tao yung sarili mo. Learn to exploit or rather express yourself. Dun ka makakahanap ng taong makakatanggap sa'yo. We barely know you aside from the basic things you shared to us. Make a friend, a true friend first, then if you think na ready ka for relationship, then leap to it.
Ako: I did not expect you're witty. Thanks. And also ngayon ko lang narealize na ganito pala ako. Haha
Berna: no problem Bagani. Hope you'll find happiness soon.
Ako: I.. I do hope you'll find true happiness. You're like the second smartest person I know after my sister.
Berna: syempre, hahahaha.

That moment I learnt the true value of a friend. Well, I was very naive to realize back then na I am open minded / I don't give a damn-person. Berna taught me to open myself up. That's the next thing I'm gonna do. I will open some doors. Just like what my sister has been telling me for years. Bumalik na kami sa classroom after a while. After the class we went to locker area to fetch our things and leave those that we use in our class. Marc and I had the chance to speak.

Marc: hey
Ako: what?
Marc: you free today? Just up until 6pm.
Ako: why?
Marc: punta tayo sa park.
Ako: ok?
Marc: ok? Ok na ok or ok na hindi ok?
Ako: sasama ako. Sino pang iba?
Marc: wala na.
Ako: ooh. It's a date then.
I saw Marc's eyes lit up
Marc: y.. Yeah..
Ako: not a chance.
Marc: oh come on!
Ako: i'll go with you but this isn't a date.
Marc: whatever. As ling as you go with me.

Then we went to the park he told me. Quezon City Circle. We rented a cab, pedicab and nagdrive siya. Ako naman ay nakasakay lang. Habang naglilibot at nag-iikot kami..

Ako: the kiss, it was awful isn't it?
Marc: no, I told you it's not so bad.
Ako: I never kissed someone.
Marc: yeah, I kissed you, you didn't move a bit when my lips touched yours.
Ako: huh.... Do you have to point that out?
Marc: I think so. Basta alam ko you did not kiss me back.
Ako: I told you. I never kissed someone before. Not anyone. Not at any part of their body.
Marc: seriously?
Ako: seriously.
Marc: then, first kiss mo ako?
Ako: why did you kiss me?
Marc: I already told you.
Ako: tell me once again.
Marc: ok.. When you did not pull yourself away when I hugged you, it gave me the confidence to- -
Ako: that's not what you told me.
Marc: uhmmm... I felt the need to kiss you? To comfort you..
Ako: and why do you think I need comfort?
Marc: cause.. You're parents?
Ako: exactly. They're great people. Generous, hard working, basically the greatest people you can ever meet. But they're not great parents. It was my sister who I grew up with. She raised me. She's a great person as well but I just can't seem to be fulfilled. Everytime I look to happy families I feel like there's a huge empty space here in this heart... if there's a heart at all. That's why I'm afraid to love. Cause I'm not sure if there's is any to offer.
Marc: why are you telling me this?
Ako: I'm trying to be your friend?
Marc: we're already friends.
Ako: I just feel like the connection or the bond is insincere, I've had enough of insincerity. It's unfair I know you went through a lot and you have no idea of what I've been through. Now you have my weakness, you can break me.
Marc: I'd never do that.

Hindi ko na ma-recall kung paano pero when we were having that conversation we're already sitting under a tree. Marc touched my cheek and looked me in the eyes.

Marc: I love you even more. I love that you've been brave enough to tell me that story.
Ako: I don't know love.
Marc: then let's begin with teaching you what it is.
Ako: how?

Marc leaned to kiss me again. He kissed me. And he pulled himself, pulling the air out of my lungs with his lips. It felt like I'm being drawn towards him and I'm losing my breath but I gathered all my morals not to lean on him.

Marc: that's love. Then, you need to return the love given. It's up to you. If you feel the need to return it then it's great. If not, then let it simmer in your heart.
Ako: I can't. Right now I can't.
Marc: soon then.

Itutuloy. Thanks KM Readers for the reviews once again. I'll use those to write my story in a better way. Hindi kase ako writer eh. Hahaha. Till the next part. Anyway, yun yung origin ko. Inosente ako sa love and lust dati. Aside from my father teaching me how to wank and browse porn, wala na akong ibang exposure sa sex. Maraming nagbago sa 5years ko sa pagiging call center agent ko. I'll share din pala yung sa father ko. Wala naman sexual intercourse samin,i share ko lang minsan sa ibang kwento. Till the next part KM :)

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