By: Lucas
(Conversations are not verbatim pero sakto naman yung thoughts behind all of it.)
Sabi
nila the closet is a very dark and lonely place. Iba daw yung feeling
that you are free to live the way you are. In my case, I do not know
what I am and what I want yet so di ba, what closet are they talking
about?
I am Lucas* and subject of this post is Heinz*. Pareho kaming nag-aral sa UPD.
Summer 2007
It
was out of boredom really. Nakatambay ako sa Katipunan isang gabi
kasama yung friend kong si Jean (girl). Nameet ko lang siya nung nasa UP
na ako. Hindi kami pareho ng course pero close kami. I met her in a GE
class. Sabi ko sa kanya “bigyan mo nga ako ng textmate. Wala lang. Gusto
ko lang maaliw.” Sabi niya “Kadiri ka! Haha! Uso pa ba yan ngayon?” “My
life in UP is starting to be rountinary and I need a welcome
distraction” sabi ko. “Fine. Guy or girl.” “Hmmm. Guy?”
“Sige hahanapan kita. I will ask Alex too (boyfriend niya) if he knows anyone.”
“Thanks.”
Nagtext si Jean
that night din. Nagbigay siya ng tatlong tao. Tinext ko silang tatlo.
Nagreply naman sila lahat. First time kong gawin yun, yung magtext sa di
ko kilala. Sabi ko lang sa kanila, “Hi I am Lucas. I got your number
from Jean.” Sabi nila, sinabi naman daw ni Jean na binigay niya sa akin
numbers sila so di sila nabigla. Good. Di pa awkward. I lost interest sa
dalawa eventually. Which leaves us with Heinz.
Heinz.
Interesting
character si Heinz. At this point in the story, take note na hindi pa
kami nagmi-meet. Yung getting to know part ay nangyari lahat sa text
over the break, just before magsimula ang summer classes.
He is
interesting kasi parang sa lahat ng bagay, di kami pareho ng gusto:
movies, TV series, music, books, food etc. I like foreign indie movies,
heavy drama, and political movies. He likes yung blockbuster, superhero
movies and comedies. You get the idea naman. Polarizing.
But
there is one thing na pareho kami. Pareho kaming naghahanap ng
something. I know that "something" is such an abstract term but you get
it.
Sa isa naming text convo:
Me: So why did you allow your number to be given to me?
Heinz: Well Jean said you need a textmate. Eh parang I need that too right now.
Me:
I see. I think I am sad that is why I need this. I mean I have friends
and family and I am not damaged or anything. Basta. Something Gets?
Heinz: I get that. Me too. I feel the same way. Haha!
Over the break, constant naman yung pagtetext namin. Good morning, good night, what’s up – that kind of thing.
The
day before mag-start yung enrollment for summer classes, we agreed na
dapat magkita na kami. May idea na rin ako what he looks like because of
Friendster. Haha! Yes, Friendster circa 2007.
Day of enrollment na.
Sabi
niya sa akin, magmeet daw kami sa tambayan nila at 5 PM. Pumunta ako.
Kinakabahan. Ano sasabihin ko? Tama ba itong suot ko? Maayos ba buhok
ko? Huwag nalang kaya ako pumunta. Shit shit shit.
Nakita ko
siyang mag-isa nakaupo sa isang bench. Sabi ko, “Heinz?” Then tumayo
siya, nilapitan ako. He smiled, stretched his right hand and said “Yes.
Nice to finally meet you Lucas. Hi” For five seconds, nakatayo kami,
looking at each other. He was still holding my hand.
Bumitaw ako. “So. Uhm. Hi. Shit di ko alam sasabihin ko.”
Heinz: Funny ka din pala in person. Haha!
Pareho
kaming matangkad ni Heinz pero mas maliit siya konti. Normal yung built
niya. Hindi mataba, hindi payat. Sakto kumbaga. Moreno with nice big
eyes, and really warm smile. He is not super handsome but I find him
handsome nonetheless. Tall, dark, handsome.
So umupo ako sa chair
across him. May table sa harap naming. Usap usap lang kami ganyan. Then
inoffer niya ako ng sandwich. Nilabas niya from his bag. Pitpit na.
Sabi ko, “Wow. What happened here? Haha” “Eh kung ayaw mo eh di wag.
Haha!”
He grabbed the sandwich from me. For the first time, nahawakan niya kamay ko. May brief pause na naman. I grabbed it back.
Me: Binigay mo na eh. Wag mo na bawiin.
Heinz: Ikaw eh, inaapi mo sandwich ko. Haha!
Magse-seven
na pala ng gabi nun. Dumating na din yung driver ko so kailangan ko na
din umuwi. Nagpaalam na ako sa kanya and told him na mag-usap nalang
kami sa text mamaya.
That night, nagtext siya. “Nice to meet you talaga! And I hope you liked the sandwich. Haha! See you tom again?”
“Nice to meet you too! Haha! And thank you sa sandwich. Yes please. Same time and place?”
“Yes. Sige I have to do something. Text text nalang tomorrow.”
Hindi
ako makatulog ng gabing yun. Iniisip ko lang siya and yung paghawak
niya sa kamay ko. Kinilig ako at tinigasan. Yun yung first time na
nag-masturbate ako with him in mind.
The next few weeks were
amazing. Lunch dito, dinner diyan. Siya lang kasama ko talaga. Libre
niya, libre ko, KKB ganyan. Favorite naming kumain sa CASAA for some
reason. Don’t judge us! Haha! Ang dami kasing choices kahit yung iba
ewan yung food. At least di ka na lalabas ng UP and (relatively) mura
pa. :p
Minsan, inaya niya akong mag-aral sa labas. Wala naman
akong aaralin talaga pero nagpretend nalang ako na meron. Pumunta kami
sa Xocolat sa may Katipunan (likod ng Bo’s). Ito yung isa sa mga
favorite places ko in Katipunan. That time, kami lang yung customers.
Ang mga tao lang ay yung staff.
So aral aral kami ganyan. He
stood up and sat beside me, leaving one foot of distance between us.
Napansin kong slowly, he was reaching for my hand. Then he held my hand,
rested his head on my shoulder and he said:
“I like this, whatever this is” sabi nya.
“We are not together or anything but I like this too" sagot ko.
He raised his head and I knew what was about to happen.
Inunahan
ko na. I kissed him. For two seconds lang. Hindi torrid. Kiss. Then he
rested his head on my shoulder again. It was one of the most beautiful
things I have ever experienced.
Sabi nya, ihahatid niya daw ako
pauwi. Nung nasa harap na kami ng bahay ko, he stopped the car’s engine.
He looked at me and kissed me. This time, French na. For five minutes,
nagme-make out kami sa loob ng car niya. Then, I put my hand inside his
shirt. He was undoing my zipper already. Pero di kami nagsex. Midway,
tumigil kami.
Me: I am sorry this is going too fast.
Heinz: I feel the same way. Shit ano ba yun.
Silence. Then nagmake-out ulit kami. But no sex that night.
Everything went well until towards the end of the summer.
You
know how we have that annoying and chismoso friend/acquaintance na
magaling mang-issue and magkalat ng kwento tungkol sa buhay ng ibang
tao? Well may ganun ako. His name is Ian.
One thing you guys have
to understand is maraming intersections ang circle of friends namin ni
Heinz. Active kasi kami sa UP dati and marami kaming orgs.
So
this guy Ian, lagi daw niya kaming nakikitang magkasama ni Heinz.
Kinuwento niya ito sa maraming tao. People started texting things like
“Uy, you are dating Heinz daw? I did not know that guys pala gusto mo”;
“Congrats! Kayo na daw ni Heinz!”.
Heinz also received similar
messages. Since di naman kami “out”, nagpanic kami. People were already
talking. Masyado naming ine-enjoy ang company ng isa’t isa na di na
namin na foresee ang ganitong mga eventualities.
Nagkita kami one night.
Heinz:
I like hanging out with you, you know that right? I like this. Pero
hindi ko kayang i-expose yung sarili ko ng ganito. Di ba fini-figure pa
natin not just what we are together but who we are individually?
Me:
Yes, I know that. I cannot have this kind of exposure too but people do
not have to know. Let’s take a chance. Risk it. Leap of faith.
Heinz: But I am not gay. I cannot be gay. Kung nagka-gusto man ako sa lalake, ikaw yung first and last.
Me:
I get that. I know that. Pareho tayo ng situation. I don’t think I am
gay too. Sa tingin mo ba hindi ko naintindihan yan? Ang sa akin lang,
let’s try this. Take a chance. Please Heinz.
Heinz: I can’t Lucas. I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go. Bye.
Then he left. Umiyak ako. Nakatayo lang ako dun. In disbelief. Cinematic no? Kulang nalang umulan para maximum drama.
After a few hours, I texted him. He did not reply. I called he did not answer.
Last
week na ng summer classes. I went to his tambayan. Wala siya dun. No
text, no replies, no calls, no nothing. Shit, over na ‘to.
Di ko
na ipinagpilitan. May sense of self-respect naman ako. The regular
academic year started and walang text or tawag at all. Naging busy na
rin ako with acads, org stuff, and other extra-curriculars. It’s a good
thing na hindi kami pareho ng college kaya hindi kami nagkakasalubong sa
UP. When our friends ask what happened, ang sagot ko lang, “Well, it is
what is.”
The story is not yet over and if you are reading so far, thank you for your patience. :)
Fast forward to February 2011.
Nasa med school na ako. A week before Valentine’s Day.
Matutulog na sana ako pero biglang may nagbuzz sa YM. Si Heinz.
Heinz: Hey! What’s up! Gising ka pa?
Since wala naman ng kaso, sumagot ako.
Me: Yes! Still up but I am about to sleep. Wow, it has been a long time.
Heinz: I know! So, what are you doing now?
Me: Med school. Haha! You?
Heinz: Working now. Haha!
Me: Wow. Libre mo naman ako.
Heinz: Haha! Sure. Same number?
Me: Yes.
Heinz: So, are you dating anyone?
Me: No. Haha! I have no time. Med school = no life. You?
Heinz: I am seeing this girl right now. Nothing serious. So what are you going to do on VDay?
Me: Study, obviously. Haha!
Heinz: That’s so sad. Haha! Joke lang.
Me: I know! Haha! Hey, I gotta go. I really need to sleep now.
Heinz: Okay. Good night.
When I woke up that morning, meron akong offline message:
“I
am sorry for what happened before. I wanted to but I couldn’t.
Napakakumplikado kasi lahat ng bagay nun. I hope you have already
forgiven me. I knew back then na you can bring out that which is best in
me. I trust you. I have fallen so deep that it was overwhelming. Please
forgive me. I am so sorry.”
Tang ina di ba? After four years, ngayon ko lang narinig yung mga ganyan. Anong meron? Ano yung agenda niya?
I replied: “A little too late, a little too long.”
Di na siya nagreply pa ulit. He did not text me din. He knows my number. Siya dapat ang mag-reach out, hindi ako di ba?
Forward to summer 2011.
I
received a text from Heinz. Random. He invited me to dinner kasi aalis
na daw siya in a month kasi mag-aaral daw siya abroad. Libre niya.
Pumayag naman ako. Sabi niya I should pick a place. I told him to meet
me at Serendra and decide nalang kung saan pag nagkita na kami. I told
him to meet me at Sonja’s.
Nagpa-late ako ng konti. It turns out,
late din pala siya so naghintay pa ako. Di naman matagal. Dumating na
siya. He still looks the same. We decided to go to Boni High and ate
somewhere there.
So kwentuhan ganyan about the present and the
future. He was still seeing that girl daw he mentioned last time.
Pinakita niya sa akin yung photo niya na nasa phone niya. In fairness,
pretty.
I did not bring up the offline messages kasi alam kung
gulo yun. If you want to ask a question, be sure you want to know the
answer right?
Patapos na yung gabi, mga 11 na. Andun na yung
driver ko. Ready na akong umuwi. Sabi niya, stay muna and let’s drink.
Sabi ko, okay but you have to bring me home. Pinauwi ko na yung driver
ko. And, not here in Boni High sabi ko. Somewhere else.
We drove
around Fort to look for a place pero wala kaming trip. Then we went to
Makati. By 12:30 AM, may nakita kaming bar na open pa. Konti nalang yung
tao and very small lang. Subdued lighting. Intimate.
We ordered
drinks. If you are med student, weekly (or daily) basis yung inuman so I
know I can handle my alcohol pretty well. In college, magaling na rin
ako uminom.
So more usapan about random stuff, movies, music ganyan.
Then he brings up the offline message.
Heinz: A little too late, a little too long, huh?
Me: You still remember that? Well it’s true.
Heinz: Di na ako nagreply kasi I did not know what to say.
Me: It’s okay. I did not expect you to anyway. No biggie.
Heinz: I’m sorry. Really. I mean if I could just go back and …
Me:
Stop right there. Okay na tayo eh. You are dating someone and I am
happy the way I am. There is no point na babalikan pa natin yung past.
Heinz: I don’t think you understand how sorry I am.
Me:
Don’t go there. Alam kong I told you before that I may forgive but I
never forget but believe me na pinatawad na kita and nakalimutan ko na
yung ginawa mo.
Heinz: Really? Kahit di ako nag-sorry?
Me: Well yeah. But you just said you are sorry so retroactive yung effect.
Heinz:
Thank you. But I mean what I said before. You can bring out that which
is best in me. Nakakaoverwhelm lang kasi yung nararamdaman ko.
Me:
I am flattered that you feel that way. Really. But you are dating
someone now. Paano mo irereconcile yan sa nararamdaman mo sa akin?
Heinz: Di naman serious eh. And I want you. Only you.
Me: Stop. You are making me feel uncomfortable.
Heinz: Lucas. Lucas please.
Me: Are you serious? You are leaving in a month and you say these things! Tanga-tangahan Heinz?
Heinz: Long distance. We will make it work. I won’t screw up.
Me:
That’s asking for too much. And di pa ako nagyeyes sa lagay na ‘to ah.
Ang dami mo ng demand. Ang dami mong expectations. Be realistic bro.
Silence. Napansin kong medyo lasing na siya. I asked him to take me home kasi 3 AM na.
Nasa
harap na kami ng bahay ko. I said thank you for the evening and good
luck and God bless sa pupuntahan mo. Lumabas siya, hinabol ako sa gate
and he kissed me.
I gave in.
Pumasok kami sa bahay, straight to my room.
Hinubaran
niya ako. Hinubaran ko siya. Nagkikiss pa din kami. Dila sa dila. Basa
at matamis na halikan. Nakatayo pa din kami. Bumaba siya at
dinila-dilaan ang nipples ko. Mabilis. Intense. Pababa ng pababa tapos
sinubo niya ako. Shit. First time ko ‘to. Pinahiga niya ako sa kama ko.
Subo niya pa rin, taas baba, taas baba. Mabilis. Mabagal.
Nagpalit kami. Ako naman ang sumubo sa kanya. Ginawa ko din yung ginawa niya sakin.
69
na kami. Mabilis na ang nangyari. Pinasok niya ako sa puwet. Pumasok
din ako sa kanya. Nagpalabas ako sa loob niya, nagpalabas siya sa loob
ko. Basang basa kami ng pawis, laway at tamod.
Paggising ko, nakadamit ako. Walang tao sa tabi ko.
Panaginip pala yung nangyaring sex. Pero totoo yung hinalikan niya ako nung inihatid niya ako sa bahay.
Di
siya nagsabi umalis siya. Okay lang kasi di naman ako nagexpect ng
kahit na ano. Friends kami sa Facebook. He greeted me nung Christmas and
New Year. And he is in the country now according to him. I did not even
ask.
As for me, I am ready to date again. Wala pang dumarating but hopeful.
Thanks for reading everyone.
Aw. I feel sad after reading your story. We had a similar situation. UP ako, UP rin sya pero we take that chance. Leap of faith, kahit I was an instructor at UP for two years. Maraming issues pero napagdaanan. I feel sad honestly. Nalulungkot din ako for Heinz, he did not let you bring you the best from him.
ReplyDeleteI hope you two talk once again. Sayang eh. Take the chance. Just an advice.
poor me..bakit sa lahat lahat ng bagay sa ating mahal na unibersidad,lovelife ang di ko naexperience :( asan bang parte ng diliman makakakita ng lovelife? kung sana nakadisplay lang ang love sa mga stalls sa SC or nasa paligid lang tulad ng mga kiosk sa vinzons' eh for sure mas papatok sya kaysa sa isaw sa may law...tsk..
ReplyDeletetama yung first na nagcomment, try taking the chance if ever it comes in your way again..malay natin di ba? pero oh well, it's yours to decide :)
Hi! I am the author. :)
ReplyDeleteThis finally got published. Haha! Thanks to owner of this website.
Thanks guys! That is what I am doing right now. Mahirap pero tuloy lang. I am "confused" as regards my sexuality so it is making it extra hard. But I do not regret my life choices. Ang dami ko kayang nale learn. :)
I am not they type of person who gives up so.... :) If you did not find it in UP, it is probably elsewhere. Go lang. March on.
hey mr. author, i 'm very much impressed with your story... i must say unrelenting... good for you
DeleteThanks!
Delete-Author
angganda ng story.. makakahanap din tayo ng tunay na magmamahaln sa atin sir.. =)
DeleteKung ano pa ung pinaka-magandang parte yun pa panaginip. Walang kwenta kwento mo TADO!!!
ReplyDeleteChill ka lang! Haha! Valentine's na Valentine's ang init ng ulo mo. :))
DeleteHey doc. Thank you for sharing your story. Gaya nung mga unang nagcomment, sasabihin ko ring sana masubukan nyo nga. I feel that you guys are gonna be really happy together. Hehe. Ayun good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome. :)
DeleteI appreciate the sentiment but to be honest, I do not imagine the future with him in it. Parang similar siya sa logic ng "shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice."
If he let go of something good before because I know I would have tried my best to make it so, I have the right to just reject him easy. It has been six years but I still remember that day at the AS parking lot when he raised his hands and gave up.
But thanks for believing in that possibility. :p God knows why I am cynical. :))
-Author
hello LUCAS pwede ba kitang manging kainiogan bro ? here is my number 09159585370 sana okay sayo
DeleteGanda ng story! Kahit panaginip lang ang nangyari, nagustuhan ko pa rin. Nakakalungkot lang. Pero mukang okay naman na si Doc! Hehe!
DeleteSame story. 'cept I'm the "Heinz" and the "Lucas" is from La Salle.
ReplyDeleteI see. So how are you now? It would be interesting to know how Heinz will tell this story from his perspective. Your thoughts? :D
Delete- Author
That's a thought. Although I've never been good at putting down into writing the thoughts racing through my mind.
DeleteI am happy being single. And so is he, based on his tweets. That's that. Although if you want details, PM me somewhere.
Being single is awesome. I would know coz I have been single for like six years. Haha! We are both anonymous so I am not sure how that would be possible. Haha!
Delete- Author
Bogus account? Or we can talk here and make this thread longer.
DeleteI'm cool. But pray tell, why Twitter?
DeleteI don't know. Haha! Yun yung una kong naisip. :)) Nakagawa na ako. @maroonLucas I will set it to private so that walang makakabasa. :p
Delete-Author
Replied. :)
DeletePwede ko ba kayong I follow? Im from UP also. Grad na ako 3yrs ago. Nakarelate lang ako sa story mo but mine was so plain sad. We were best of friends. I was the one who chose to keep away from "it" when I noticed he started to like me in a diff way. Sadly, I miss him so much. Btw, did you know that IC and NIMBB already moved to that new sci complex? :)
DeleteI didn't know MBB transferred already pero IC yes. :p I still have photos of it while it was being constructed. Haha! May class kasi ako dati sa NIP. :)
DeleteYes you can pero I do not do social networking kapag Sundays. :p So if you will mention me there, tomorrow na. :)
- Author
Mahirap talagang ipaglaban or tanggapin ulit ang taong sinukuan ka. Ang tanong lang naman dyan, mahal mo pa ba? May nararamdaman ka pa ba? Kasi kung oo, kahit anong sakit yung nadulot nya sayo. Tatanggapin at tatanggapin mo sya, sukuan ka man nya nang paulit-ulit at balikan ka nya nang paulit-ulit. Huwag mo syang hintayin na magparamdam ulit sa'yo ng hindi mo alam kung anong nararamdaman mo para sa kanya. Dapat alam mo na kung anong stand mo.
ReplyDelete-yun lang tingin ko :-)
-By the way, good story.
Thanks for the feedback. I am sure na wala na 'to. Haha! Self-preservation. :)
Delete-Author
This is the 1st time I'll ever comment.I,too,am an alumnus of UP&met someone there that made me realize of my sexuality.We lasted for 7 years and after the relationship ended,it took me a long time to grieve because it was my first.But looking back,I realized I thought I'd never survive losing it but I did.No matter how colorful the relationship was,still it was just a fraction of the life that's still ahead of me.I agree din dun sa sinabi nung isa,give it all you've got regardless of what others may say.at the end of the day,no matter how tumultuous things may be,you do it because it somehow makes you happy.Life isn't fair.Love for as much as you can while you still can before your heart tires out and reaches its saturation point.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. :) Seven years? Wow. That's an achievement even though it ended. I am positive about starting again. *crosses fingers*
Delete-Author
Nainspire naman ako haha. I'm from UPD as well, and during the every start of the semester palagi akong umaasa na baka sa isang GE class ko na makikita kung sinuman ang magpapatibok ng puso ko. X)
ReplyDeleteHaha! Or you can have a friend like Jean to give you numbers of random people. Daratimg din yan. Hintay hintay lang. Or maghanap. Or both. You decide. :)
Delete- Author
Yeah. :) Haha, and oh, natawa ako dun sa CASAA part. :)) Gets ko kasi 'yung point mo! Nakakasawa doon, pero hindi maiiwasan kasi iyon ang malapit at madaling puntahan na kainan sa campus. :))
DeleteLast kong balik sa UP last year pa. Haha! Two years ko na ring namiss yung fair. :/ Cheese turon sa Gloria's!!! Bwahahaha!
DeleteAko pala nagreply ng nasa taas. :)
Delete-Author
Kudos to you for having sense not to give in. I salute you. Im sure you'll find someone who can make you happy. Work hard, party harder, eh? - Justin
ReplyDeleteThank you. That's the plan. :)) But let me be clear though that I do not need someone in my life so that I can properly call myself happy. If anything, it's like doubling the happiness or for company.
Delete- Author
Justin of UPD? Haha.
DeleteOhwell, I was the first one who comment. I have a partner and we were four years living together now. Actually his name is also justin, also from UPD. It is just so good to let someone bring out the best on you. Marami pa rin kameng issues at problema pero napagdaanan.
Anyway, anong batch mo? I am an 04. :) -RC
i think what Justin tries to say is that there is someone out there who can make you happy, not because you are sad or your happiness is dependent on others =). Happy V day!
ReplyDeleteHope you are doing good with med school =)
Surviving. :p And thank you. :)
Delete- Author
That's why I like reading stories from people who are currently studying or graduated from UP. Pati 'yung discussions, maganda basahin.
ReplyDeleteYour story was a bit sad, but it was heartwarming to know how frail we are as human beings and how much we can take risks for something that we might label as "love". Will we take the next step and risk things, or choose to preserve the previous order and spend a portion of our lives regretting something unsaid or undone?
Thanks for sharing, and good luck sa med school! (Congratulations pag duktor ka na :)
Yes I agree it is sad pero I think it worked out well for the both of us. Ayoko ko na din kasing ipilit. I can only do so much. Pero there are times (not always) na naiisip mo yung could have beens and for a brief moment, you miss what was there. *shrugs*
Delete-Author
Ano daw! Routinary? Hehe
ReplyDeleteDi ko nga rin mahanap sa dictionary ang word e :-). Peace!
DeleteAccording to a quick Google search, there is such a word naman. :D
Delete-Author
There is indeed a word. Ginagamit din ng mga doctors ang salitang yan. :-)
Deletemaybe you are complaining bout the spelling, because the author spelled it as rountinary, , but if you pertaining to its meaning, it means "ordinary", a simple as that & no need to complain :|
DeleteTYPO! Sorry!
DeleteHahahaha!
I do not want to sound condescending pero Google search lang yan. :))
Fantastic, affecting story I must say. And you have a solid grasp on grammar, which is already leaps and bounds from most of the droll written here. Iba talaga tayong mga taga-UP. Bravo. J
ReplyDeleteThank you. :) Writing a lot is practice. :)
Delete-Author
Ang masasabi ko lng is kung kayo tlga ang para sa isat isa, babalik sya sayo. :)
ReplyDeleteNpakasad ng story mo. First time kong makabasa ng ganito s site nato since puro about sex ang karamihan s stories nila. Pero dito, although meron part n bastos pero feeling ko parang plain love story sya at wlang bastos. Thanks for sharing... :)
Thank you. Haha! The dream sequence totally happened. Kasi kapag nakainom, the chances are higher na mananaginip ka.
DeleteHe seems happy now whoever he is dating. And six years na rin since it happened. It is time to put myself out there and hindi nalang puro aral. Haha!
- Author
Just like the story, the conversation here is very interesting, and engaging. You guys, my fellow Iskos, are making me proud of the school that I chose to go to.
ReplyDeleteShame on the people whose only concern is about the sex part that was apparently a dream sequence, or getting picky on grammar which had not that much effect on the story, and was proven correct din naman by google.
Anyway Mr author, self preservation is somehow a dangerous thing. It can make you lose your chance on great happiness that couldve been for you. Aren't u afraid of being haunted by what ifs in the future? Heinz was young then, and confused. Now he's more ready. I say, give him another chance. Just my 2cents worth.
"Its better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
Jadedboy
Oo nga eh, may Google naman. Me macomment lang. :)))
DeleteI have loved and lost so I got that part covered. He hasn't asked anything about it yet. He did leave without telling me. Not that I expected him to but with everything he told me, at least he could have done that. I guess self-preservation will only be an impediment to happiness vis-a-vis Heinz.
Say, if it is in relation to another person, by saying no to Heinz and saying yes to someone else and letting them in, I know I made the right decision. Self preservation in relation to Heinz opens doors. :)
- Author
Author,
DeleteWhat if ako pala hinahanap mo?
- Hunts
I am not emotional pero naiyak ako. 4 years ago, I did what Heinz has done.I also tried to reconcile with the person over and over again pero wla na eh. Then it bounces back to me, ako nman yung naiwan sa ere, just what like what happened to you. ganyan din, i just let it be...yung future and yung happiness, wla nman tlgang certain. But yung experience, talagang maiisip mo at times.Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you. :)
DeleteWell at least now, we know more.
- Author
Nice story! I like the way you've put it up. Hope that I can experience the same experience while I'm still in UP and hopefully not while dreaming! haha :> -isko here batch 11 :D
ReplyDeleteI will tel you the same thing I said above to another commenter:
DeleteMaghintay ka lang. Puwedeng hanapin. Puwedeng both.
Gotta start somewhere. :)
- Author
Well, ganun talaga, life isn't fair. why not give him another chance? he's regretting! but at the same time, mali din siya in the first place. he feared of being talked. He enters this situation, he would've held on tight. iba talagang umibig tayong mga UPian! affectionate, all out ika nga. "Intimacy" na rin :)
ReplyDeleteDDchez UPB
Naintindihan ko naman yung fact na ayaw niyang pag-usapan. I wanted to keep it secret too. Yung nga lang, sana nag yes siya to stay on. Oh well.
Delete- Author
I must agree with jaded boy. While it's true that self preservation is helpful to maintain self respect, it could also be thwarting. I'd say take that risk again. You allowed yourself to jump off the cliff once, i don't think it wouldn't hurt as much should you decide to jump off the 2nd time. i believe by this time you're both emotionally matured already so more or less you pretty much have an idea how to pick yourselves up in the event that things don't work out (which I doubt! Ang positive ko grabe!). While it's true that happiness is not entirely about having a partner, it would still feel a helluva lot better to have someone special as you grow older. Go! What's there to loose? I have a strong feeling about the two of you!
ReplyDeleteGood luck, doc!
UPBaguio
Thanks. :)
DeleteNot with him though, unfortunately.
- Author
Aww... this one was sad :( 1st time to encounter UP stories.
ReplyDeletei've been single too for so looongg!!! haha hope we finally found the one!
-UPLB Alumnus
Indeed. Haha! Nasa gilid gilid lang yan for sure. Haha!
Delete-Author
Hmmm... I like how this conversation is going among fellow Iskos. A group meet up perhaps? Haha.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Well I think a good number of people here are discreet or closeted so a group meet-up may be hard to do. :)
Delete-Author
Great Story. Isang pangarap talaga ang makahanap ng pag-ibig -TUNAY na pag-ibig. Hindi pa man ako nakakasumpong nito sa tingin ko may pag-asa pa dahil sa isang magandang istorya na nagbibigay inspirasyon gaya nito. Thanks for sharing your story kapwa isko. btw, elbi here. hehe :P
ReplyDeleteSabi nila, hinahanap daw ito or hinihintay. Haha! Di ko alam kung tama yung sinasabi ng iba. :p Basta ang alam ko, kung para sa iyo, para sa iyo.
Delete- Author
Gusto Kong malaman no name nagustuhan KO ang kwento mo natutuwa ako na may mga tulad no name naniniwala sa pagmamahal..gusto KO sanang makipagkaibigan..Hindi lang alam kung paano..Hindi KO naman maibigay ang contact number ko.. thanks Chuck here..
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteThe story was really well written, and conveyed with such rawness and honesty. But I was hooked because in so many levels, I can relate with your story. Mine also happened in UPD, 2000-2001. There were also many scenes in the tambayan (pero nasa may Main Lib pa org namin nun), sa AS Walk, sa McDo sa Philcoa, sa harap ng Law, sa may Vinzons.
I went out with John ( a heartrob in their college). He was my classmate in an elective subject that I took sa college nila. At that time, he was seeing a pretty coed Jenny, who was his blockmate and who became our groupmate. Suddenly, the three of us were going out often, kase may groupworks. There was a time when we were eating in Mcdo Philcoa, I was seated next to Jenny, and John was on the opposite side. He wrote something on the wrapper of the burger. It read: "I want to kiss you." Jenny blushed. Then, John looked at Jenny for a time, and then looked at me longer and with more intensity.
At that time, John and I knew that we liked each other. But we were only 19, was not sure of our sexuality, and did not know how to handle things.
We saw each other five years after, I was already a lawyer then. John was already working. Over beer, I asked him about that McDo Philcoa incident. He told me that the message was for me. And told me of the many times that he wanted to kiss me. We were able to confirm also that Jenny saw what we both wanted to hide. In separate ocassions, Jenny told me that John probably misses me more than he missed her (after the sem break yun), and confronted John on why he stores my messages in his cellphone and not her texts (that time kase, 15 text lang ang puedeng ma-save sa 3210.) Jenny could have felt the sexual tension between John and me. Something that we probably were not good in hiding.
That night, five years later, with John was really good, because it somehow answered questions that lingered in my mind. But we did not try to continue what we started, because although the feelings were still there, the intensity was no longer the same.
Thanks for this story. It made me remember, and it made me grateful, that once before, I was in love, young and wide-eyed. And I felt giddy, and happy and lighthearted, pag sumasakay ng Ikot, pauwi sa dorm. Masyado na kase akong jaded at practical ngayon.
Pasensya na po at napahaba.
Thank you for sharing this. :'-) Kinilig naman ako. I remember those walks we had. Usually mga 6 PM na nun, from AS to Engg then we will go to Music and then to the Oblation. Minsan mindless conversation lang, may mga times na mag deep din. Wow.
DeleteThere are many times na nirereplay ko pa rin yung mga nangyari. Hay.
John sounds like a great guy. I am almost crying while I am writing this. Hmmm, I don't know why.
- Author
Hi:
DeleteTaga Eng ba kayo? Or taga CS ka, kase you are in med school now? I was also back reading some comments. Like mo din pala ang cheeze turon sa Gloria's. Nung panahon ko, meron na nun, like ko din yun. Tsaka ung katabi ng Gloria's na may puto pao, masarap din yun.
To answer your question, yes, John is a good guy. Sure, he has his flaws, but he is more good than bad. He also looks good. hehe.
Natatawa lang ako, because the three of us (John, Jenny and me), we were fond of walking. Sometimes, we walk from their college, all the way to Philcoa. Nadadaanan din namin, yung some part ng route nyo ni Heinz from Eng to Music. hehe.
Come to think of it, during those times, we went out only if Jenny was there. Awkward kase, kung kaming dalawa lang ni John, kase magmumukhang date. haha. When you are young kase, and you are fighting your feelings na sana hindi ka gay, the whole situation can be overwhelming. Plus wala pa akong makwentuhan, so labo labo na.
When John and I talked about it later on na, (and we already had the benefit of hindsight) we realized that our feelings for each other at that time, were so powerful, na naduwag kami pareho at pareho kaming umatras. But who's to blame? we were just 19, and we did not know any better.
Now, more than ten years after, when i look back, walang regrets. Happy kase. May mga painful times din. In fact, madami din. But all things considered, it was more happy than sad. Yun lang.
When was the last time you saw Heinz?
Pagkatapos ko itong mabasa, sobrang flashback naman ang nangyari sakin.. Sa first and still the only guy i liked and loved...
ReplyDeleteMas nakarelate pa ko na you are also in medschool..and if i got it right, he went abroad, just like the one i fell for... At parehas ding hindi pa out...
Yun nga lang, out of all the things we've been through, we've never been together... Masama, sa huling pagkakataon, bago ang boards, sinabi niyang it was all for fun... It was all a joke...
Totoong sinasabi nating we've forgiven the person, pero aminin nating nasaktan at kahit konti nasasaktan pa rin tayo pagka naaalala lang natin...
Yun nga lang, ang maganda sayo author, at least he was definite of what he felt for you... Nice one...
About the inuman in medschool, haha, third yr bka lie low na rin kayo..hehe...
Ang sad naman nun.
DeleteWell, di siya para sa iyo and sana, masaya siya wherever he is and whoever he is doing.
Haha! I love drinking. :P
- Author
Hahaha I love this. Somehow, na-incorporate mo rin ang love mo for indie and counter-culture stuffs. From the way you analyze everything hanggang sa mental debacle mo. Pero grabe, nasa med school ka na nung mangyari ang "first" mo? Tapos panaginip lang pala? That was funny (sorry but it is). I have to admit though me mga ganyan din kaming pangyayari. Not just me but my gay friends as well. Not exactly like your story but the type na paguusapan nyo as you try to analyze everything. Now that i think about it, nakakatawa na rin.
ReplyDeleteNakakaaliw basahin ang mga comments rito. I wish i could share my own experiences as well but given that i'm using my real name here, i'll be practically naked and vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteI'm already 31 (already out in the wild from most of my years so i've been around). At this point, i still can't say if i now hold all the answers or seen enough. But life does go on and you can still breathe again even when you thought that you died. Not because you found another one, but because you come to terms with it. I was hurt for for the bad things that happened but then again I also did some horrible things as well. I've been rejected but i also rejected some people so i should know how to deal with it.
Circle of life. :)
DeleteRevelation: still a virgin. I do watch porn so.
- Author
Lol! I don't believe it! Still the big V while in med school? Ang kakati nyo kaya! All those sleepless nights! Ahahaha. Time to give it up! Go out on a date. Mahirap ding maging late bloomer. Stupid mind games can be overwhelming.
DeleteHaha! Well I am not makati. :D At least a part of me has still a conservative side to it. :P
Deletei agree with you
DeleteYou need to start dating again at some point. Yes you're busy at school but after finishing, you're still gonna be busy. You can always start slow to get a better hang of things. Mahigpit pa naman ang market ngayon.
Deletenaalala ko tuloy ung nakarelasyon ko din na taga UPD even 7months na kaming hiwalay hindi pa rin ako makamove on sa ginawa nya..kung anu ung pangyayari na nangyari sa kwentong ito halos ganun din ginawa nya sken..madaling magpatawad pero sobrang hirap makalimot :'( sana maging kasing tatag din ako katulad nung author...
ReplyDeleteBTW nice story Mr. Author...
Thanks! But I am sorry to hear about your kuwento.
ReplyDelete"It's always darkest before the dawn". Hang on, malapit ka ng maka move on. :)
Great story, Lucas. UP Diliman days were one of my life's best; glad yours was punctuated by unforgettable experiences such a these, for whatever they are worth =] Being an MD will open you up to a whooole new world of possibilities, just as long as you take care of yourself alongside taking care of the needs of others =]
ReplyDeleteStay well.
-Dr Quixote
when you talk about your past hurts you'll see it as a stabber but when you find your new love you'll view your past as your teacher. love is truly abstract yet so experiential. i had my first love way back in college, second year to be exact but i had the courage to tell him when we were in third year in front of my classmates and other participants from other departments and other school during a session - seminar. he's straight.
ReplyDeletewe never had "us" but at least he knows what i felt for him. loving is easy but leaving is hard. but am not leaving, am just letting go.
#broken string (cebu)
Great story! Nakarelate naman dw aq.
ReplyDeleteIn this story, I did not feel any lust; instead, i felt love... I just hate the society for making such heterosexual norms! Homosexual relationships are so deprived up to the point that homosexual beings are exploited. I always dream of a society not based on gender, but L-O-V-E (from a current melancholic UPD student) =D
ReplyDeleteI'm undergrad in UP now, and gusto ko rin ng lovelife :( Story is heartbreaking. </3 Thanks Author sa paggising sakin sa Hell Week. :P
ReplyDeleteGet off bashers. sosyal ng pagkasulat. Hindi trying hard si author mag English.
ReplyDeletenice story... i mean, its really something...(~,~)
ReplyDeleteI really like this story. It is so real and written very well. Maayos ang pagkakalahad and very relatable. thanks for sharing lucas. :-) Hope you meet soomeone soon. :-)
ReplyDeletenice story.. 2nd story na nagustuhan ko sa site.
ReplyDeletemy first and last experience with my besfriend ung isa.
both close friends love story. actually, friends na kami nung author nun. haha.
anyway, ung ex ko med stud sa ust and sadly, ayun, ex ko na sya, first ko sya.
am not sure if sya tlga gusto ko makasama or what. still confuse.
may i ask something from the author, if u still have time. hehe. summer naman eh. lol.
if ok, email na lang pwede. ill post my email after ur confirmation.
thanks ah. :)
I'm inlove with the story. :)
ReplyDeleteHi? imnot UPians :)hmf, gusto lang makapagkilala din.. lols
ReplyDeleteMalapit lang ako sa UP.Teachers Village Area..
Jogging Everynight after work ko sa Maginhawa Street..
Hanap lang din Kausap. Yung makakaintindi, Naguguluhan na ako after i enter this site..basta.. ayun
gelo by the way.. :) sana may makausap.. lalona kung malapit lang..salamat
dota, manga, and chess :>
The story is amazingly familiar :) I share the same story as to you author. I was the one who loved more. In fact, I even accepted who I was because of him. We sure had our sneaky sweet moments where we secretly held each other's hands, wink and smile at each other. We had the best of each other. Kaso upon realizing it's getting real, he backed off. Natakot ata. Naduwag. So I was left hanging. 2 years na din. After him wala na ko sineryoso. All play and games na.pero don't get me wrong the pain is still there pero parang muted na sya.Kaya when I saw this article, I immediately felt what you feel. If you'd let me, I'd be glad to meet you and share more stories :) let me know what you think.
ReplyDeleteSaan ba nakakahanap ng ganyan sa UP? haha halos three years na ako sa UPD as an undergrad but wala pa rin. desperate much. nakakatakot din kasi magout, lalo na puro mga lalaki kasama mo. haha tae ang hirap. anyway i like your story. medyo sad nga lang ang ending. makakahanap ka rin ng para sayo. :)
ReplyDeletethis may not b the usual thing readers of ths site seek but nonetheless, the story s exceptional. the writing s superb. theres just too much heart n the story. bow to the author. btw, the discussion thread s as intresting as the story. XD
ReplyDelete-proud isko from UPV
hey UPD friends. haha see you around. lol
ReplyDeletehi author! kakalabas lang nito sa TDF. im from UPD as well.. Like you, i'm confused.. I'm in a relationship now but there's still a part of me na wants to get married and have kids. He knows and acknowledges it.
ReplyDeleteI'm from UP as well. May I know who's the guy in the photo? :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes you have to let go of something too precious because it is the right thing to do. I had a similar experience but i needed to end it because he is married and napamahal na rin sa akin pamilya nya. We're still friends now and that's more important, i guess.
ReplyDelete...i appreciate your strength. I would applaud even your elderd for bringing you up this way. It take a lot of courage and self respect to shrug the dust and move on.
ReplyDelete