Blue Journal (Part 1)

By: Jan roe

This story is purely an imagination.. Hope ull enjoy it..:)

Ever found yourself waiting for that perfect moment to express your love? Even if it took years for that moment to come along?

I didn't want to leave my hometown (CEBU), which i've been settling ever since the day I was born. Neither do i want to leave my family, my relatives and most importantly my best friend RAVEN..

Raven and I(Lucius) had been best friends since highschool. I still recall the day when we first met; it was the first day of first year, were in the same class. Unintentionally i collided with his head trying to reach for my ballpen that had been knocked out on the floor. Fortunately i didn't know that he was trying to reach for it too. From that time on we got close, share lunch, talk and become best friends.. We'd hang around together as often as i'd hang around with my family. He's like my brother, a brother who i could lean to when i have problems, a brother who's always there for me when i'm in trouble, a brother who loved me for me.... At least as a younger brother (im 2 months younger than him). What he didn't know is that i am deeply in love with him ever since the day we first met; which saddens me the most, assuming that he only thinks of me as his younger brother.

In 4th year, in spite of this, things changed. We had been together for 3 implausible years, but this year is diverse. I was moving. Moving far away from him (to continue college in Manila), it's like a new world i'm getting my self into.

My deep profoundness love for him is still there and i dont want to leave him. We agreed to call each other at least twice a week, send letters and emails if we have time, and stay in touch with each other. Except that, it wouldnt be the same, it wouldnt be like old times, we couldnt see each other except in pictures, we couldnt do anything together now. We couldnt be there for each other, all the time anymore. Furthermore we are miles and miles away from each other. And i wanted to confess . Tomorrow, i decided..

The day the departure came but he was nowhere in sight. I tried calling his cell but no one was answering it. I was so worried and sad that he forgot about my departure. I left CEBU heartbroken and thinking that maybe he had a good excuse why he didnt go.

One year had passed and still no sign of him. I tried calling his home every once in a while but his mother would always say, "oh he's not here, but i'll tell him you called!" and i would be so depressed. Sometimes i just think that he's been avoiding my calls. But why i wondered.

I was going off to 3rd year college. I hadnt been getting any emails, or letters from him; or hadnt been getting any at all. I tried to tell myself that, "its okay lucius, hes just busy that's all." howeer i had my doubts. What if hes not busy at all? What if he forgot about me? What if he got a girlfriend and been too busy to talk or even stay in touch with me? A lot of what if's are on my head. I tried emailing him and writing letters but there was no reply. What if all my what if's came true? Then maybe i should be pleased, pleased for the reason that he's happy. On the contrary why didnt he tell me?

2 years had passed (my graduation) and still no sign of his letters or emails or phone calls. And most sad part is he didnt showed up on my graduation day. I asked my parents about him,. Unfortunely, they dont have news about him. I tried to get over him. I really tried but i cant. I just couldnt forget the fact that i love him.

One week later, i received a letter from his home address, accusing it was him i ripped it open. I was so anxious to read his letter that i skipped a couple of parts, that i thought wasnt that important. Unfortunately, it is important. It says that hes sick and is in coma. I was so shocked to see this that i ran inside, call my parents to get me a ticket back to see him. Luckily they approved and booked me the latest flight.

I preceded to the hospital his in. I was so worried to see him, concerned that he's undergoing from a poor health. When i got in his room my heart raised and thumping on my chest. I noticed him lying there with bandages all over his body. I felt sorry for him. All this time i was blaming him of overlooking me while his being diagnosed. I had a talk with his mom and she told me what had happened to him. She said that he was crossing the street holding a journal and suddenly a truck had hit him. That journal was sadly addressed to me, its cover is blue which happened to be my favorite color. I opened and started reading the first page.

May 28, 20**

"this is the day i left" i thought..

Lucius left today. Im so upset to see him leave. Thats why i didnt go to the airport at all. But i tried to go realizing that i had to confess my love for him before he leaves but i was too late. Im going to miss him so bad. All the good times we had will never be forgotten. I wish i could come with him. I love him so much.

My tears started falling. I admired him. I was in awe. He made a diary for me starting with the day i left. And what mostly saddened me is the fact that he loved me too. I scanned through pages and read the last page he had written on.

March 26 20**

i cant wait for lucius to see what i had done for him. I hope he'll like it. I just miss him so bad. I wish he was here right now in my arms holding me tight and wishing he wouldnt be away anymo...

And it was cut right there. I couldnt imagine the scene it was happened. I saw a glimpse of him again and a tear fell on my cheeks. I hold his hand so tight. That time i had wished that i hadnt left and be with him throughout this tough time. There was this throb in my chest. I scanned again and all the other pages are blank. A letter dropped when i was about to close it.

Dear Lucius,

If you are done reading my diary i want u to fill out the other half of this journal. I miss you so bad, lucius. Im sorry if i keep missing your calls and not be able to attend ur graduation day, i was just too busy with work. Yeah, lucius im working now so i could surprise u and go there and maybe finish my school there. I cant wait to see u soon. Im also sorry that it took me how many years to get this to you its just that i didnt know your address there and i had to look for your relatives to tell me your address, and about the email thing i tried to email u back but our computer is really messed up; i ought to get the fix sometime so i could email you. Im really sorry if you thought that i dont care about you. I do, i really do. I love you since the first day we met, remember your ballpen? I was just too scared to confess because it might ruin our friendship and that i think that you only think of me as ur older brother. I love you lucius, i love you with all my heart and im sacrificing everything just to be with you.

With love,

Raven

By the time i was done reading his letter. I heard a beep it was coming from him. I was stunned. I dropped the journal and ran towards him and started calling the nurse.

"stay with me please, stay with me.. Dont leave me please. I cant let u leave me. Please. I love you" i cried as the tears fell. I was shaking. I didnt want him to die. I didnt want him to leave me. I want him to be here by my side comforting me and telling me that it was all a joke. But its not a joke. Its a reality. Hes dead and here i am living my life through pages in the diary. I filled the rest of the book. I even started a new book since it couldnt hold all my memories and thoughts of him. And i will always remember him. How he had been a good friend. How he helped me through bad times. How he loved me so much that i didnt want to let go. I will not forget him. He had been the best inspiration of my life. He is the best of friend anyone could ever have. I will not forget him.

"C'mon Lucius,lets have our lunch" Marco shouted... Marco had been my friend since i started working. He had been a good friend, almost as good as Raven. He kind of reminds me of raven. Sometimes when im with marco, i kind of think that raven sent him to guide me and to be with me just like he did for me when he was alive.. "coming" i shouted back.. This is a fresh new start and a beginning of an ideal friendship. Or so i thought..